Jake Stunner sat on his doorstep and stared at himself in the reflection of the mirror. He wasn't a bad looking guy he concluded. Pretty tall, pretty trim, good complexion, nice thick black hair. And he had those eyes of course. The eyes that had snared him the Manic Pixie in the first place. Those big brown eyes with long lashes that she said had drawn her to him across the carpark where they first met. They and his hands he had been repeatedly told were his best features. He laughed to himself. Less than two months ago he had had everything he ever wanted. A family, a good job and a beautiful girlfriend who actually had a real personality. Now he was a single unemployed orphan with a monstrous hangover and even the best looking hands and the most attractive eyes on the planet could not change that. All of these things were completely unrelated of course but fate has a strange habit of kicking you whilst you're down and in Jake Stunner's case it was not so much kicking him as urinating on him from a two storey building whilst simultaneously playing conkers with his testicles.
Jake finished his chicken and mushroom slice and threw the wrapper on the floor, watching the rain and wind rush it out of the driveway and down the road. He burped and felt his stomach jolt from side to side. Feeling inside his long black jacket he found his cigarette case and pulled out a smoke and a lighter. He lit the Zippo on the knee of his jeans, raised it to his mouth and inhaled deeply. 'The universe is definitely against me' he thought. 'If only there was some way of proving it, then I could file a formal complaint.' He looked out into the street and had a brainwave. It was only drizzling but it was still quite windy. No-one had walked past in at least forty five minutes. He stood up and walked to the edge of the pavement. 'No-one has walked past in forty five minutes' he thought again to himself, and started to urinate freely inside his trousers. It was actually rather liberating and he instantly became a lot warmer. 'No-one has walked past in forty five minutes' he thought again to himself and he closed his eyes and began to count.
ONE
TWO
THR...
'Mummy!'
He opened his eyes to see three children running crying to their mum and he looked down at the large urine stain on the front of his trousers which they were all pointing at. He smiled slightly to himself and turned around to walk back to the cover of the porch as the vile abuse came flying his way from the small group of mothers who had now gathered in front of him.
The universe was definitely against him.
In times like this Jake had learnt to sit down, reminisce about where things may have gone wrong and wait for everything to blow over until his luck changed for the better again.
As he leant against the door of his £700,000 house which he couldn't get into he first thought about his job. To be honest he hadn't really enjoyed it that much. His boss had been a nightmare. One of those people who always wanted to be a professional sportsman but couldn't stay off the doughnuts so instead became a resentful and overweight bully. He had however been well paid and the job at least let him melt into the background and not be noticed (something Jake had always tried to do in every aspect of his life). He had been an executive seller of 'Kelithfuel' which was basically petrol, but really cheap petrol. They had a salesman of the month board in the office and for five months straight the name 'Jake Stunner' had been up there. He was proud of his work and his pride shone through in how he acted, which was how he met the Manic Pixie.
Just across a carpark, he had helped her out when a couple of guys tried to rob her handbag and they had hit it off straight away. His confidence that came naturally with being a salesman perfectly complimented her whimsical and carefree nature. Together there was nothing they couldn't accomplish. Then disaster struck. The business went bust. Apparently the reason Kelithfuel was so cheap was because it was also highly unstable and after the motorcade of a foreign dignity exploded the following investigation proved that Kelithfuel was the cause. He lost his job with no chance of a redundancy package and less than a month after that he lost the Manic Pixie. She said they had grown apart but he knew deep down that it was only him who had changed. He was directionless and wanted more out of life. He just didn't know what.
After she had left he decided to go travelling; only he had no idea where. Firstly he blindfolded himself and stuck a pin in a map, the idea being he would catch the first flight to the nearest airport of wherever the pin landed. He had stuck the pin in, removed the blindfold and found himself staring atGreat Britain England South England . Just below London Guildford where he currently lived. Not to be put off he decided to turn on his computer, close his eyes and hit a random letter on the keyboard. He would then find somewhere to travel to beginning with this letter. Closing his eyes he didn’t notice the fly buzz into his ear. He flayed his arms around as he tried to escape it, drinks, food and his keyboard ending up on the floor. When he finally killed the offending fly with a wine glass he opened his eyes to see two words on his screen. GUILDFORD , ENGLAND
It was at that moment he decided to just go to the furthest away place he could think of beginning with the letter N when he got the call. His parents had been killed in a freak accident whilst on holiday inScotland
Jake Stunner's back was beginning to hurt. He couldn’t stay here all day. However he couldn’t smash a window as his parents had been security enthusiasts and spent a fortune putting lead into the quadruple glazed windows. He needed a plan. He needed to get the Manic Pixie back. He needed a drink. Then it hit him. He would go see Harris. He might look terrible but Harris worked close by and had a bathroom. And a selection of drinks. And somewhere to sit. And hopefully some clean clothes. He jumped to his feet and the coldness reminded him that he had pissed himself only minutes earlier. Pulling his phone out he began to walk at a brisk pace down the road whilst calling Harris. Straight to voicemail. Never mind, Jake knew exactly where he would be. He left an excited message. A plan was beginning to form in his mind and this one would not involve him scaring small children with his bodily functions
'Harris its Jake Stunner here. I'm coming to see you at work. I have an idea and a plan that I need your help with. I require wine. And trousers. And a pencil and paper. We're going to make a shopping list.'
Jake finished his chicken and mushroom slice and threw the wrapper on the floor, watching the rain and wind rush it out of the driveway and down the road. He burped and felt his stomach jolt from side to side. Feeling inside his long black jacket he found his cigarette case and pulled out a smoke and a lighter. He lit the Zippo on the knee of his jeans, raised it to his mouth and inhaled deeply. 'The universe is definitely against me' he thought. 'If only there was some way of proving it, then I could file a formal complaint.' He looked out into the street and had a brainwave. It was only drizzling but it was still quite windy. No-one had walked past in at least forty five minutes. He stood up and walked to the edge of the pavement. 'No-one has walked past in forty five minutes' he thought again to himself, and started to urinate freely inside his trousers. It was actually rather liberating and he instantly became a lot warmer. 'No-one has walked past in forty five minutes' he thought again to himself and he closed his eyes and began to count.
ONE
TWO
THR...
'Mummy!'
He opened his eyes to see three children running crying to their mum and he looked down at the large urine stain on the front of his trousers which they were all pointing at. He smiled slightly to himself and turned around to walk back to the cover of the porch as the vile abuse came flying his way from the small group of mothers who had now gathered in front of him.
The universe was definitely against him.
In times like this Jake had learnt to sit down, reminisce about where things may have gone wrong and wait for everything to blow over until his luck changed for the better again.
As he leant against the door of his £700,000 house which he couldn't get into he first thought about his job. To be honest he hadn't really enjoyed it that much. His boss had been a nightmare. One of those people who always wanted to be a professional sportsman but couldn't stay off the doughnuts so instead became a resentful and overweight bully. He had however been well paid and the job at least let him melt into the background and not be noticed (something Jake had always tried to do in every aspect of his life). He had been an executive seller of 'Kelithfuel' which was basically petrol, but really cheap petrol. They had a salesman of the month board in the office and for five months straight the name 'Jake Stunner' had been up there. He was proud of his work and his pride shone through in how he acted, which was how he met the Manic Pixie.
Just across a carpark, he had helped her out when a couple of guys tried to rob her handbag and they had hit it off straight away. His confidence that came naturally with being a salesman perfectly complimented her whimsical and carefree nature. Together there was nothing they couldn't accomplish. Then disaster struck. The business went bust. Apparently the reason Kelithfuel was so cheap was because it was also highly unstable and after the motorcade of a foreign dignity exploded the following investigation proved that Kelithfuel was the cause. He lost his job with no chance of a redundancy package and less than a month after that he lost the Manic Pixie. She said they had grown apart but he knew deep down that it was only him who had changed. He was directionless and wanted more out of life. He just didn't know what.
After she had left he decided to go travelling; only he had no idea where. Firstly he blindfolded himself and stuck a pin in a map, the idea being he would catch the first flight to the nearest airport of wherever the pin landed. He had stuck the pin in, removed the blindfold and found himself staring at
It was at that moment he decided to just go to the furthest away place he could think of beginning with the letter N when he got the call. His parents had been killed in a freak accident whilst on holiday in
Jake Stunner's back was beginning to hurt. He couldn’t stay here all day. However he couldn’t smash a window as his parents had been security enthusiasts and spent a fortune putting lead into the quadruple glazed windows. He needed a plan. He needed to get the Manic Pixie back. He needed a drink. Then it hit him. He would go see Harris. He might look terrible but Harris worked close by and had a bathroom. And a selection of drinks. And somewhere to sit. And hopefully some clean clothes. He jumped to his feet and the coldness reminded him that he had pissed himself only minutes earlier. Pulling his phone out he began to walk at a brisk pace down the road whilst calling Harris. Straight to voicemail. Never mind, Jake knew exactly where he would be. He left an excited message. A plan was beginning to form in his mind and this one would not involve him scaring small children with his bodily functions
'Harris its Jake Stunner here. I'm coming to see you at work. I have an idea and a plan that I need your help with. I require wine. And trousers. And a pencil and paper. We're going to make a shopping list.'
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