And in the beginning God woke up late. As was always the case when you have to start a new job he had been dreading it so hadn't got much sleep the night before. In fact he was feeling quite narked when he actually came round to starting the day properly which was never a good sign for a first day at anything, let alone the creation of the universe.
And God made the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form or void but he'd get to that later. It was still early and he still had the crusty bits in the corner of his eyes and so couldn't see that well without squinting. If truth be told he was wishing he'd left it another month or two, but he'd chosen this date and if he left it any longer then it would be infinity before he even got started. Besides he'd invented the colour green last night and had a good feeling about it.
And God said let there be light and there was light. 'Not bad' he thought. In fact he was beginning to feel a lot better about everything. He broke for lunch and by the time he came back he felt in the mood for a bit of hard slog so cracked on. He divided the light and the darkness and created water, earth and vegetation. He made the sun to shine in the day and the moon to shine in the night (but a bit less so so he could get some sleep). 'I'm on a roll' he thought so he soldiered on and created various amounts of animals and birds and fishy things to wonder over the earth, swim in the water and fly through the air (a few too many he remembered thinking in retrospect). He was pleased with his work and decided to call it a night when he realised it had been five days and he was knackered. He hadn't even invented what a day was yet but he decided he was five times more tired than he normally was after a hard days thinking things into existence so he got some sleep and decided to concentrate all his efforts on the sixth day.
And on the sixth day God decided that he couldn't look after this place on his own. He had made way too many other galaxies, solar systems and planets to run them all single handed. And he hadn't even started to populate the others yet. Besides, some of the birds had already started to eat the fishy things; some of his favourite fishy things in fact but he couldn't remember what they looked like and so couldn't think them into existence again. So he decided to create a supreme being to look over his first, most loved planet. And he created them in his own image, made them male and female and told them to go forth on the planet and multiply. And they were to rule the planet so that when God returned after populating the rest of the universe they would be a shining example for everyone else on how to run a utopia. And so he made man and woman and decided to have a day off with his feet up before tackling a particular nice planet in the galaxy he had given the rather catchy name 'Reginald Windpipe'.
And so it came to pass that many Millennia later God returned to his original solar system in order to populate Mars. He decided to check how his original project was coming along. The planets of Birolus 5 and Drankoon were shining examples of life in a modern universe and he had high hopes for how Earth would be shaping up (He only wished he'd thought of a cooler name at the time). If God wore spectacles (which he didn't) he would have taken them off his eyes, rubbed them on the sleeve of his jumper and reapplied them. Twice. He was shocked. (Which is an emotion pretty hard for a deity to experience) Not just by the war, disease and famine that plagued the planet. He had seen many a planet scrapped after the natives couldn't help but evolve themselves into oblivion. He was more dismayed at the backwards way the planet was heading. The guardians of the planet were wearing material over their bodies. They were not killing each other for the sake of it like most civilised worlds he had brought into existence. Instead they fought over power, money and oil. He hadn't even invented power money and oil. Worse still they fought over these things in his name.
Needless to say God was furious and began to take out his revenge. And so God said let there be soap operas and reality television. And there was. And everyone knew it was bad but watched it anyway. And God created microwavable meals and Ginsters Pasties and students ate them because they were cheap and got diarrhoea. And God created cheap drugs made out of plant fertiliser that turned nations into gibbering simpletons. And he created endless chains of shops selling coffee at ridiculous prices with ridiculous names like Frapaccino and MP3 players and knife crime so no-one on the tube would ever speak to each other again. But this was just the start of Gods wrath. Before God left for another Solar System in the Galaxy (there was no way he was going to populate Mars and force them to be neighbours with these arseholes) He put a sense of resentment and hatred into all the people on the planet that deserved it. That way he thought the twats will only breed with the twats and the saintly will only breed with the saintly. 'I'll come back in a few millennia and see if evolution has taken its course' he thought. And with that he nipped off for a croissant before getting on with his afternoon chores of inventing the cabbage for the good people on Finost 12.
Of course what God had unfortunately forgotten was that many people on the planet Earth fell into neither the category of twat nor saintly. There were far too many people stuck in between. One such person goes by the name of Jake Stunner. He is the hero of our story. He is twenty three years old, hungover and currently locked outside of his house eating a Ginsters Chicken and Mushroom Slice.
And God made the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form or void but he'd get to that later. It was still early and he still had the crusty bits in the corner of his eyes and so couldn't see that well without squinting. If truth be told he was wishing he'd left it another month or two, but he'd chosen this date and if he left it any longer then it would be infinity before he even got started. Besides he'd invented the colour green last night and had a good feeling about it.
And God said let there be light and there was light. 'Not bad' he thought. In fact he was beginning to feel a lot better about everything. He broke for lunch and by the time he came back he felt in the mood for a bit of hard slog so cracked on. He divided the light and the darkness and created water, earth and vegetation. He made the sun to shine in the day and the moon to shine in the night (but a bit less so so he could get some sleep). 'I'm on a roll' he thought so he soldiered on and created various amounts of animals and birds and fishy things to wonder over the earth, swim in the water and fly through the air (a few too many he remembered thinking in retrospect). He was pleased with his work and decided to call it a night when he realised it had been five days and he was knackered. He hadn't even invented what a day was yet but he decided he was five times more tired than he normally was after a hard days thinking things into existence so he got some sleep and decided to concentrate all his efforts on the sixth day.
And on the sixth day God decided that he couldn't look after this place on his own. He had made way too many other galaxies, solar systems and planets to run them all single handed. And he hadn't even started to populate the others yet. Besides, some of the birds had already started to eat the fishy things; some of his favourite fishy things in fact but he couldn't remember what they looked like and so couldn't think them into existence again. So he decided to create a supreme being to look over his first, most loved planet. And he created them in his own image, made them male and female and told them to go forth on the planet and multiply. And they were to rule the planet so that when God returned after populating the rest of the universe they would be a shining example for everyone else on how to run a utopia. And so he made man and woman and decided to have a day off with his feet up before tackling a particular nice planet in the galaxy he had given the rather catchy name 'Reginald Windpipe'.
And so it came to pass that many Millennia later God returned to his original solar system in order to populate Mars. He decided to check how his original project was coming along. The planets of Birolus 5 and Drankoon were shining examples of life in a modern universe and he had high hopes for how Earth would be shaping up (He only wished he'd thought of a cooler name at the time). If God wore spectacles (which he didn't) he would have taken them off his eyes, rubbed them on the sleeve of his jumper and reapplied them. Twice. He was shocked. (Which is an emotion pretty hard for a deity to experience) Not just by the war, disease and famine that plagued the planet. He had seen many a planet scrapped after the natives couldn't help but evolve themselves into oblivion. He was more dismayed at the backwards way the planet was heading. The guardians of the planet were wearing material over their bodies. They were not killing each other for the sake of it like most civilised worlds he had brought into existence. Instead they fought over power, money and oil. He hadn't even invented power money and oil. Worse still they fought over these things in his name.
Needless to say God was furious and began to take out his revenge. And so God said let there be soap operas and reality television. And there was. And everyone knew it was bad but watched it anyway. And God created microwavable meals and Ginsters Pasties and students ate them because they were cheap and got diarrhoea. And God created cheap drugs made out of plant fertiliser that turned nations into gibbering simpletons. And he created endless chains of shops selling coffee at ridiculous prices with ridiculous names like Frapaccino and MP3 players and knife crime so no-one on the tube would ever speak to each other again. But this was just the start of Gods wrath. Before God left for another Solar System in the Galaxy (there was no way he was going to populate Mars and force them to be neighbours with these arseholes) He put a sense of resentment and hatred into all the people on the planet that deserved it. That way he thought the twats will only breed with the twats and the saintly will only breed with the saintly. 'I'll come back in a few millennia and see if evolution has taken its course' he thought. And with that he nipped off for a croissant before getting on with his afternoon chores of inventing the cabbage for the good people on Finost 12.
Of course what God had unfortunately forgotten was that many people on the planet Earth fell into neither the category of twat nor saintly. There were far too many people stuck in between. One such person goes by the name of Jake Stunner. He is the hero of our story. He is twenty three years old, hungover and currently locked outside of his house eating a Ginsters Chicken and Mushroom Slice.
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