Prologue

And in the beginning God woke up late. As was always the case when you have to start a new job he had been dreading it so hadn't got much sleep the night before. In fact he was feeling quite narked when he actually came round to starting the day properly which was never a good sign for a first day at anything, let alone the creation of the universe.

And God made the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form or void but he'd get to that later. It was still early and he still had the crusty bits in the corner of his eyes and so couldn't see that well without squinting. If truth be told he was wishing he'd left it another month or two, but he'd chosen this date and if he left it any longer then it would be infinity before he even got started. Besides he'd invented the colour green last night and had a good feeling about it.

And God said let there be light and there was light. 'Not bad' he thought. In fact he was beginning to feel a lot better about everything. He broke for lunch and by the time he came back he felt in the mood for a bit of hard slog so cracked on. He divided the light and the darkness and created water, earth and vegetation. He made the sun to shine in the day and the moon to shine in the night (but a bit less so so he could get some sleep). 'I'm on a roll' he thought so he soldiered on and created various amounts of animals and birds and fishy things to wonder over the earth, swim in the water and fly through the air (a few too many he remembered thinking in retrospect). He was pleased with his work and decided to call it a night when he realised it had been five days and he was knackered. He hadn't even invented what a day was yet but he decided he was five times more tired than he normally was after a hard days thinking things into existence so he got some sleep and decided to concentrate all his efforts on the sixth day.

And on the sixth day God decided that he couldn't look after this place on his own. He had made way too many other galaxies, solar systems and planets to run them all single handed. And he hadn't even started to populate the others yet. Besides, some of the birds had already started to eat the fishy things; some of his favourite fishy things in fact but he couldn't remember what they looked like and so couldn't think them into existence again. So he decided to create a supreme being to look over his first, most loved planet. And he created them in his own image, made them male and female and told them to go forth on the planet and multiply. And they were to rule the planet so that when God returned after populating the rest of the universe they would be a shining example for everyone else on how to run a utopia. And so he made man and woman and decided to have a day off with his feet up before tackling a particular nice planet in the galaxy he had given the rather catchy name 'Reginald Windpipe'.



And so it came to pass that many Millennia later God returned to his original solar system in order to populate Mars. He decided to check how his original project was coming along. The planets of Birolus 5 and Drankoon were shining examples of life in a modern universe and he had high hopes for how Earth would be shaping up (He only wished he'd thought of a cooler name at the time). If God wore spectacles (which he didn't) he would have taken them off his eyes, rubbed them on the sleeve of his jumper and reapplied them. Twice. He was shocked. (Which is an emotion pretty hard for a deity to experience) Not just by the war, disease and famine that plagued the planet. He had seen many a planet scrapped after the natives couldn't help but evolve themselves into oblivion. He was more dismayed at the backwards way the planet was heading. The guardians of the planet were wearing material over their bodies. They were not killing each other for the sake of it like most civilised worlds he had brought into existence. Instead they fought over power, money and oil. He hadn't even invented power money and oil. Worse still they fought over these things in his name.

Needless to say God was furious and began to take out his revenge. And so God said let there be soap operas and reality television. And there was. And everyone knew it was bad but watched it anyway. And God created microwavable meals and Ginsters Pasties and students ate them because they were cheap and got diarrhoea. And God created cheap drugs made out of plant fertiliser that turned nations into gibbering simpletons. And he created endless chains of shops selling coffee at ridiculous prices with ridiculous names like Frapaccino and MP3 players and knife crime so no-one on the tube would ever speak to each other again. But this was just the start of Gods wrath. Before God left for another Solar System in the Galaxy (there was no way he was going to populate Mars and force them to be neighbours with these arseholes) He put a sense of resentment and hatred into all the people on the planet that deserved it. That way he thought the twats will only breed with the twats and the saintly will only breed with the saintly. 'I'll come back in a few millennia and see if evolution has taken its course' he thought. And with that he nipped off for a croissant before getting on with his afternoon chores of inventing the cabbage for the good people on Finost 12.


Of course what God had unfortunately forgotten was that many people on the planet Earth fell into neither the category of twat nor saintly. There were far too many people stuck in between. One such person goes by the name of Jake Stunner. He is the hero of our story. He is twenty three years old, hungover and currently locked outside of his house eating a Ginsters Chicken and Mushroom Slice.

Chapter One

Jake Stunner sat on his doorstep and stared at himself in the reflection of the mirror. He wasn't a bad looking guy he concluded. Pretty tall, pretty trim, good complexion, nice thick black hair. And he had those eyes of course. The eyes that had snared him the Manic Pixie in the first place. Those big brown eyes with long lashes that she said had drawn her to him across the carpark where they first met. They and his hands he had been repeatedly told were his best features. He laughed to himself. Less than two months ago he had had everything he ever wanted. A family, a good job and a beautiful girlfriend who actually had a real personality. Now he was a single unemployed orphan with a monstrous hangover and even the best looking hands and the most attractive eyes on the planet could not change that. All of these things were completely unrelated of course but fate has a strange habit of kicking you whilst you're down and in Jake Stunner's case it was not so much kicking him as urinating on him from a two storey building whilst simultaneously playing conkers with his testicles.

Jake finished his chicken and mushroom slice and threw the wrapper on the floor, watching the rain and wind rush it out of the driveway and down the road. He burped and felt his stomach jolt from side to side. Feeling inside his long black jacket he found his cigarette case and pulled out a smoke and a lighter. He lit the Zippo on the knee of his jeans, raised it to his mouth and inhaled deeply. 'The universe is definitely against me' he thought. 'If only there was some way of proving it, then I could file a formal complaint.' He looked out into the street and had a brainwave. It was only drizzling but it was still quite windy. No-one had walked past in at least forty five minutes. He stood up and walked to the edge of the pavement. 'No-one has walked past in forty five minutes' he thought again to himself, and started to urinate freely inside his trousers. It was actually rather liberating and he instantly became a lot warmer. 'No-one has walked past in forty five minutes' he thought again to himself and he closed his eyes and began to count.

ONE

TWO

THR...

'Mummy!'

He opened his eyes to see three children running crying to their mum and he looked down at the large urine stain on the front of his trousers which they were all pointing at. He smiled slightly to himself and turned around to walk back to the cover of the porch as the vile abuse came flying his way from the small group of mothers who had now gathered in front of him.

The universe was definitely against him.

In times like this Jake had learnt to sit down, reminisce about where things may have gone wrong and wait for everything to blow over until his luck changed for the better again.

As he leant against the door of his £700,000 house which he couldn't get into he first thought about his job. To be honest he hadn't really enjoyed it that much. His boss had been a nightmare. One of those people who always wanted to be a professional sportsman but couldn't stay off the doughnuts so instead became a resentful and overweight bully. He had however been well paid and the job at least let him melt into the background and not be noticed (something Jake had always tried to do in every aspect of his life). He had been an executive seller of 'Kelithfuel' which was basically petrol, but really cheap petrol. They had a salesman of the month board in the office and for five months straight the name 'Jake Stunner' had been up there. He was proud of his work and his pride shone through in how he acted, which was how he met the Manic Pixie.

Just across a carpark, he had helped her out when a couple of guys tried to rob her handbag and they had hit it off straight away. His confidence that came naturally with being a salesman perfectly complimented her whimsical and carefree nature. Together there was nothing they couldn't accomplish. Then disaster struck. The business went bust. Apparently the reason Kelithfuel was so cheap was because it was also highly unstable and after the motorcade of a foreign dignity exploded the following investigation proved that Kelithfuel was the cause. He lost his job with no chance of a redundancy package and less than a month after that he lost the Manic Pixie. She said they had grown apart but he knew deep down that it was only him who had changed. He was directionless and wanted more out of life. He just didn't know what.

After she had left he decided to go travelling; only he had no idea where. Firstly he blindfolded himself and stuck a pin in a map, the idea being he would catch the first flight to the nearest airport of wherever the pin landed. He had stuck the pin in, removed the blindfold and found himself staring at Great Britain. England. South England. Just below London. Suspiciously slap bang in Guildford where he currently lived. Not to be put off he decided to turn on his computer, close his eyes and hit a random letter on the keyboard. He would then find somewhere to travel to beginning with this letter. Closing his eyes he didn’t notice the fly buzz into his ear. He flayed his arms around as he tried to escape it, drinks, food and his keyboard ending up on the floor. When he finally killed the offending fly with a wine glass he opened his eyes to see two words on his screen. GUILDFORD, ENGLAND. 'Not impossible' he thought. 'But ridiculously improbable.'

It was at that moment he decided to just go to the furthest away place he could think of beginning with the letter N when he got the call. His parents had been killed in a freak accident whilst on holiday in Scotland and he had been left all of their worldly possessions including the house. Now there was no way he could go travelling until it was sold so he spent his days walking naked around a house worth nearly a million pounds drinking wine from the back of the cupboard and ranting about how the universe had it in for him. Except now he was locked out and he had no wine.

Jake Stunner's back was beginning to hurt. He couldn’t stay here all day. However he couldn’t smash a window as his parents had been security enthusiasts and spent a fortune putting lead into the quadruple glazed windows. He needed a plan. He needed to get the Manic Pixie back. He needed a drink. Then it hit him. He would go see Harris. He might look terrible but Harris worked close by and had a bathroom. And a selection of drinks. And somewhere to sit. And hopefully some clean clothes. He jumped to his feet and the coldness reminded him that he had pissed himself only minutes earlier. Pulling his phone out he began to walk at a brisk pace down the road whilst calling Harris. Straight to voicemail. Never mind, Jake knew exactly where he would be. He left an excited message. A plan was beginning to form in his mind and this one would not involve him scaring small children with his bodily functions

'Harris its Jake Stunner here. I'm coming to see you at work. I have an idea and a plan that I need your help with. I require wine. And trousers. And a pencil and paper. We're going to make a shopping list.'

Chapter Two

Ryan Harris was having a good day. It had started off well when he had woken up on time for the first time in six months and had subsequently not been late for work. ‘Clearly the key to being on time is to not get absolutely hammered the night before’ he thought to himself before deciding he was going to get doubly drunk tonight to make up for the previous evenings abstinence. The day had got even better when he realised he had time to have a proper breakfast rather than just eat a Rivita as he ran for the train like most days meaning he was starving a good 2 hours before lunch and again about 2 hours afterwards. No, today he had managed to have coffee, juice and a bacon, sausage and egg bagel whilst reading the morning papers. He felt incredibly refreshed and on his leisurely stroll into work he stopped off at the cornershop in order to buy a scratch card. He ground away at the silvery wall before smiling to himself when it was revealed he had won £50. This day was getting better all the time.

He arrived at work to find he was on guard duty as opposed to just standing by the barriers and hopped on the next train to Portsmouth. Apparently Gina the new ticket woman was on the train as well so he decided that he wouldn’t just have a nap in the front carriage as normal and instead began to make his way down the carriages in the hope of seeing her for an early morning flirt. He definitely enjoyed the trains more in the mornings. People were always in such better moods before their McJobs ground them into their daily depression. He began to indulge in his favourite hobby of looking at the various magazines and books people were reading and working out what this said about them. ‘Financial Times. Wanker. Daily Mail. Extreme Wanker. Maxim magazine. No shame. The Sun. Builder. To Kill a Mocking Bird. Intelligent and thoughtful. A Tale of Two Cities. Trying to appear intelligent and thoughtful. The train pulled into Woking. Next stop Guildford. Harris smiled to himself as he pictured the place he grew up but had now thankfully departed. He had always thought of himself as being a big fish in a small pond and had escaped his childhood home as soon as was humanly possible. He was a Londonite now and one day he might be a manager for British Rail. He missed his old friends of course but he knew they would all still be in the same town and he had no overwhelming desire to return there in a hurry.

Harris checked his phone. No signal as was typical for this part of the track. He had got to the middle of the train now so he collected the refreshments cart and started making his long way through the next set of carriages shouting as he went. ‘Any food or drinks? Any food or drinks?’ He passed the toilet and heard the familiar squirming and commotion inside. When he had first got the job he always thought it might be a couple getting frisky but now he knew that it would just be about six teenagers hiding in there so they didn’t have to pay their fare. Then he saw her. Gina. She was leaning up against the door idly flicking her long red hair. Harris began to do his own hair in the reflection of the carts kettle. He swept his long blonde mane over his ears so she could see his full face and began to approach her wondering what line he would use. ‘Nice weather. Look I’m not hungover! I want to make passionate love to any part of your body that you will let me near.’ Luckily at that point he was saved any embarrassment as his day quickly went from amazing to completely terrible in the space of 3 seconds.

Jake was going so quickly through the carriage that Harris did not realise who he was before he was on top of him. In fact he assumed he was a terrorist or worse, someone after the contents of the refreshment trolley. Well Harris was not going to stand for that. Especially with Gina and the entire carriage now giving him their full attention (except the people on their mp3 players who were naturally oblivious.) Harris swung his fist into the side of Jakes neck sending him crashing onto the floor and braced himself to punch him again when he got back to his feet. However the man he just hit seemed content to be on the floor and merely put his hand into the cart and pulled out a mini bottle of wine which he proceeded to open and swig. Harris was unsure how to react to this. He had obviously won the fight already and yet he was still being robbed of his carts precious vino. Then it clicked. This fellow clearly didn’t play a fair game and Harris only knew one person with the audacity to steal booze from someone who had just knocked them to the deck.

‘What are you doing here Jake?’ he asked wearily.

Jake got to his feet; one hand on his neck the other clutching the nearly empty wine bottle.

‘There’s no time to explain Harris. We need to alight at the next stop; and I need to procure some trousers.’

‘What are you talking about! I can’t go anywhere with you, I’m working. And why do you smell so strongly of urine?

‘Look Harris’ Jake was becoming exasperated. Clearly Harris did not know the urgency with which he had to put his plan into action. It was nearly 2 o’clock and all he had achieved was a small glass of wine and a bruised neck. He still did not have his shopping list and by the time he had written it at this rate the shops would be shut. He hadn’t even had lunch yet. He breathed deeply and attempted to explain everything to the puzzled and embarrassed looking Harris as quickly as possible.

‘LookIneedtomakeashoppinglistsoicangetthemanicpixiebackandgetonwithmylifetoadegreeofsomesortofsuccess. Ican’tdoitonmyownsoiwashopingyouwouldhelpmeforoldtimessake’.

‘What?’

‘Are you in or out Harris?!’

‘I can’t just leave work in the middle of a shift Jake!’

Jake looked around in desperation before catching sight of Gina.

‘Excuse me! You work here don’t you?

‘Well yes I…’

‘And you know my friend Harris don’t you?

‘Well I’ve only been here a coupl…

‘Quite attractive isn’t he?

‘Jake!’ Harris began.

‘I suppose so I..

‘Well err Gina’ he read off her name tag.

‘If you would be so willing as to cover for our mutual friend Harris here for a few hours then in return he will take you out on a date to a 3 star restaurant followed by the theatre production of your choice. Do you like the theatre Gina?’

‘I’d quite like to see the Lion King musical’

‘An excellent choice Gina. Harris will pick you up on Thursday at 7.30pm. Thank you so much for your co-operation. All of you’. Jake addressed the whole carriage before opening the train doors and yanking Ryan Harris so hard that they fell out onto the platform of Guildford station and Harris knocked his head against the stairs leading out. He scarcely had time to curse however before Jake was picking him up by the scruff of the neck and dragging him down the corridor.

‘If I get fired it will be entirely your fault Jake. Where are we going?’

‘Firstly to get me some trousers with a slightly more pleasant odour than the ones I currently inhabit. Secondly the pub. We need beer and food before cracking on with the main job in hand of changing our lives forever for the better.’

                                          

Chapter Three

There were only two reasons why a man should ever have to run Harris had decided. Number one was if he was being chased by something that wanted to eat him or at least seriously hurt him. Number two was if he was chasing something he wanted to seriously hurt or eat. He was 90% sure the security guard from the department store they had being running from did not want to eat them and couldn’t of hurt them if he tried seeing as he was somewhere around 154 years old. He was also sure the only thing him and Jake were running towards was a pub lunch which whilst being something they wanted to eat was hardly going to hightail it out of the establishments freezer if it suspected they were on their way to devour it. He turned the corner which Jake had just gone hurtling round, his recently stolen trousers flapping in the wind over his shoulder and ran slap bang into the face of somebody heading in the opposite direction sending him flying onto the pavement.

‘OOOWW FUCK!’ He screamed at the offending person who stood motionless in front of him as blood started to trickle out of Harris’ nose. He’d had enough of today already and was not in the mood for pleasantries with what looked like a 12 year old kid standing completely still with a somewhat bemused look on his face even though the collision had managed to send Harris flying a good 4 feet..

‘Why don’t you look where you’re fucking going you little shit!’

The child had still not moved and seemed to not have a scratch on him. He did however seem to be getting very flustered and in a hurry.

‘I’m dreadfully sorry friend. I’m just in a bit of a rush and not used to…’

Harris was not in the mood for this. He’d taken enough abuse from kids on the trains over the past few years. They spat at him, smoked and drank and if he said anything to them about their behaviour 50% of the time they pulled out a knife (well twice anyway). It was about time someone stood up to these troublemakers. Before the nose breaker had the chance to explain what he was not used to (probably walking and talking at the same time Harris thought) he got to his feet, planted a swift knee into the boy’s youthful testicles and walked across the road into the pub. He gave a slight glance round behind him as he went. The chav had certainly felt that alright and was now screaming something that didn’t sound like any language Harris had ever heard. But he supposed he himself had yelled in tongues he didn’t think possible for human vocal chords to manage after a kick in the balls. The boy should be glad. Now he knew what it felt like to be on the other side of an unfair advantage. It would be a while before he mugged an old lady on the bus again. Harris entered the bar, proud that he had done his hometown a service and hoped Jake had got a round in.

Jake was actually in the toilets trying to remove a security tag from a pair of trousers. These things were trickier than they looked and he was beginning to lose his patience. The idea of testing the universes loathing of him by wetting himself now seemed a very stupid idea indeed and he was starting to chafe quite badly down below. He decided he couldn’t waste anymore of the day messing around with his clothing, so he removed his trousers, washed his legs and genitals as best he could with water from the cistern, put on the new ones and left his shirt untucked so the security tag was hidden away. Perfect. He emptied the pockets of the his previous wet jeans and found his wallet with his train ticket and the picture of his parents still thankfully dry, his mobile phone with half a battery, his fake Swiss army knife and a small pencil he had stolen from a betting shop on the way out of the station. He removed the half roll of toilet paper from the wall and stuffed it in his back pocket. Time to make that list he thought and exited the cubicle. He went up to the mirror and bathed as much of his upper body as he could without getting naked in the men’s toilets (something that had backfired on him in the past). He attempted unsuccessfully to do his hair and went to return to the bar.

‘Have you been speed-dating yet?’

Jake nearly jumped out of his own skin. Unfortunately that was impossible so he merely slipped over onto the floor of the toilet and got his brand new stolen jeans covered in urine. ‘Beyond ironic’ Jake thought and got to his feet slowly trying to make out the figure coming forward from the shadows.

‘Have you been speed-dating yet?’ The figure asked again. Jake could make him out now. He must have been around sixty years old but he looked pretty good for his age. Skin still smooth, no crows feet around the eyes, hair only slightly receding. He was probably just less than 6 foot tall and wore a fedora hat, a long black trenchcoat, with brown trousers and shoes. As he came forward he blew large smoke rings which landed over Jakes face.

‘Err no I have never been speed-dating. Nor would I like to go with you or indeed anyone I meet in the men’s toilets’

‘Damn it I’m early. I’ll speak to you after you’ve been to the speed-dating’.

Yeah ok, old man, sure. Speak to you soon’. Jake turned round to leave when he felt something tug on his shoulder and spin him back round. The Old man was suddenly centimetres from his face.

‘Listen to me Jake Stunner. I know you. I know all about you. I know why you’ve got a security tag on the back of your jeans, why you have a half used toilet roll in your back pocket and why you smell so badly of urine.’

‘I smell of urine because you scared me into falling onto the floor

‘You smell of urine because you pissed yourself in front of several children and their mothers earlier today you little prick. Now perhaps next time you see me after the speed-dating you won’t be so quick to dismiss what I have to say.

‘For the last time I am not going speed-dating it’s for sad losers who can’t get a da..’

The old man pulled him even closer and whispered his next few words with such intensity that Jake thought they might burn him as the breath hit his face.

‘You ever feel like you’re the main actor in the movie of your life Jake? Wouldn’t you like to be the director instead?’

And with that he swept out of the door.

Jake Stunner was not one to shock easily. He pulled himself together remarkably quickly, took a moment to look himself up and down in the mirror again and swiftly left the toilet grabbing a paper towel as he did so to dry his jeans. He encountered Harris straight away buying a couple of drinks at the bar and surveying the menu. He caught sight of Jakes wet jeans.

‘Not again Jake. Have you got a problem or something?’

‘Never mind that, which way did the old man go?'

‘I’m sorry?’

‘The old man; He must of just walked straight past you’

‘We’re the only two people in the whole pub Jake’

‘What? Oh whatever. I’m not getting distracted anymore. Come on lets sit down’. They found a seat in the corner and Jake began to explain his plan at length to Harris.

‘So let me get this straight. You want to get back your ex who you call Pixie?’

‘The Manic Pixie. Correct’

‘And to get her back you’re going to write a shopping list of things to buy in order to help you’

‘Correct again’

‘Fair enough. So what’s the first thing on the list?’ Jake thought for a minute and froze. He’d been so caught up in the idea of getting the Pixie back that he hadn’t actually bothered to think about how he was going to do it. In fact he had no idea how to even begin. Flowers? Chocolates? Lube? He had never been particularly romantic even whilst he was with the Pixie. How was he going to convince her he was a modern day Romeo now?

‘Anyway, what do you want her back for anyway?’ Harris went on. If you want my advice never go back out with an ex. It never works. You’d be better off meeting someone new.’

‘Well tell me Cupid, how would you suppose I do that?’

‘I don’t know, the normal ways. Bars, evening classes, websites, speed-dating’

‘What?’

‘I said bars, evening classes…’

‘And speed-dating! That’s it. Jake got out his pencil and scribbled speed-dating on his toilet roll.

‘I don’t think going speed-dating is going to help you win your crazy elf or whatever she was called back.’

‘Never mind all that now. Get your phone out and Google speed-dating. I need to find the most local place. To go’

‘You’re on the wrong floor mate’. A voice called over from the bar. Jake and Harris looked up to see the barman gesturing upstairs with an elbow whilst he polished a glass. ‘Speed-dating’s upstairs in the function room. You’d better get up there, it started 10 minutes ago.

Jake Stunner was on his feet already. Downing the rest of his beer he grabbed Harris and began to pull him towards the stairs.

‘Come on Harris we’re going speed dating. This plot is beginning to thicken!’

Chapter Four

God had been thinking to himself. Maybe he had been a bit too hard on Earth. After all he hadn’t shown them the same amount of time and effort as he had some of the other planets and Solar Systems. He’d just sort of let them get on with it. He also hadn’t had the value of hindsight and learning from his mistakes with those guys. If he’d of known then what he did now then he never would have invented wasps. Needless to say He was feeling one very guilty sentient being right now and was trying to figure out a way to give The Earth and more specifically the human race (he’d already made plans to ship the bee’s, guinea-pigs and other more successful species to a more desirable galaxy) a second chance.

He thought of many different things he could do. First he thought about a mass talent contest where people would sing him a song or do a dance and the ones he thought were good enough would be allowed to survive. This idea lasted about 2 minutes before being cast into the metaphorical trash compartment of his infinite brain. The second idea was causing a massive flood where everyone on earth perished except two of the best specimens of each species (excluding wasps). These remaining survivors would sail in a boat until the floods resided and they could start building the planet again under the watchful eye of God himself. He dismissed this idea for two reasons. One, he couldn’t be bothered to have to babysit a planets entire evolution from scratch, especially when a new season of his favourite TV program had started on the planet Dudanium X. And two it sounded ridiculous. He was God; he could kill everyone on the planet if he wanted to without a seconds thought. What would be the point of flooding the place as well? The remaining rainforests hadn’t done anyone any harm. He was always having these far fetched schemes. Maybe he was just bored with the usual create planet, destroy planet, speak to people in their heads to freak them out routine that had been his existence for the past infinity.

After much thought he decided that the best thing to do would be to give humans one last chance to convince him that they were still worthy of running the planet for him. He would send down a brilliant mind from one of his more successful planets to make contact with a member of the human race and ask him to justify mankind’s existence. If he succeeded humanity would be spared and free to carry on. If he failed, well he was sure they were all familiar with the fate of the Muldographs from Kentasad1! God chuckled to himself. The only question was who to send and who should they make contact with? The first part was easy; in fact he already had someone from Birolus 5 in mind. And the second? He didn’t want it to be a great leader as they were all mad on power and hated by the vast population of the planet. It had to be an everyday person but with the potential to make people listen. God consulted his charts.

Mulhammed Plus swayed unsteadily along the pavement as he tried to get to grips with the body he currently inhabited. He had wanted to go in his own body but God had insisted he go in form of the friendliest type of person possible so the humans would not greet him with disgust. They had discussed at much length on the form he should take and decided that the innocence of youth was something that shined through in any culture. Nevertheless he now had an enormous headache from cramming his knowledge into this tiny head and the smell of Earth life was making him feel quite ill. He checked the photo of the man he was meant to be looking for and then looked up in surprise to find him hightailing it round a corner with some trousers over his shoulder and into a building on the other side of the street. God was very precise with his directions Mulhammed Plus thought and began to attempt to run as fast as he could which for someone from Birolus 5 was incredibly slow but for anyone from earth he was probably breaking the world record for speed. Just as he was about to cross the road something hit him in the face and bounced onto the floor.

He saw blood drip from the humanoids face and considered pretending he was hurt too (luckily God had assured him his Birolus body could hold up against any pain humans could dish out.) He decided to try and talk to the man in his newly learnt language of English. The young gentleman seemed to be very upset with him and got to his feet. He tried to explain how he wasn’t used to running in his new body with only two legs and no turbo boosters when the man planted one of his knees into the dangly bits between Mulhammed Plus’ own legs and he suddenly experienced a pain he had never felt in his entire life. He fell to the floor and screamed in his native tongue which happened to cause all the birds in the local vicinity to explode. He cursed at the young man entering the building in every language and way he knew how but the bastard just glanced back and smiled. Before teleporting his thankfully temporary body back to his craft he thought how happy he was that the whole planet was now consigned to destruction and how he intended to have a serious talk with God about the concept of ‘no pain possible’.

Chapter Five

Harris was reading the card they had picked up with their name badges at the Speed Dating reception. It made him hate humanity.

LOOKING FOR MR/S RIGHT? OR EVEN MR/S RIGHT NOW??!!!

Speed dating is a totally radical way to meet people in your local area!!

Simply come down to the many local venues holding the event, pay the small entrance fee and prepare to be swept off your feet by up to 10 different men/women!!

All you need to do is place a cross in the box of the ones you feel you have that ‘special’ connection with and your dates will do the same. We’ll let you know any matches you get and then the world is your Oyster!!!

Speed dating is perfect for people with a lifestyle too busy for normal ‘social’ dating or for people simply trying to get back in the game!!

We guarantee you will not be disappointed. Speed dating ensures you meet a wide variety of people so someone is bound to take your fancy!!!!!

So Come On What Are You Waiting For? Join The 21^st Century. Join Speed Dating!!!!!!!!!

Terms and conditions apply. The management reserve the right to give no refunds to anyone who is ugly/fat/mentally ill or simply a bit weird

We cannot guarantee that anyone will actually like you.

No piece of writing is exciting enough to warrant that many question marks Harris thought. He grabbed his complimentary glass of fizz and began to hunt out Jake who he found circling the room in a rather weird fashion.

‘I don’t understand Jake, Are you just supposed to walk up to people and start talking to them? Surely all dates are like this? I think we’ve been ripped off.’

‘I don’t think it’s actually begun yet Harris. They’re setting up over there with the tables. Damn it she isn’t here. This must be the wrong speed dating. Let’s just go.’

‘Who isn’t here? Hang on, I’ve just paid a fiver, no, a tenner seeing as I had to pay for you as well. At least let me finish my Champagne.’

‘Fine, you can have mine as well. And it’s Lambrussco, not Champagne. I’m going for a smoke. Do you have any weed?’

Just then a bell rang and a small young Brunette girl in a tight top and short skirt ushered all the men into the small circle of desks round chairs. It took a while for Jake and Harris to work out what was going on. Jake was sat opposite a Korean looking girl with glasses and pigtails. She looked incredibly keen for him to talk to her but he was unsure what the etiquette was. To be honest the Manic Pixie wasn’t here so he just wanted to get out.

‘Err, how long do these things usually last for?’

‘Two minutes, Mr err Jake.’

‘Stunner, Jake Stunner. Two minutes, I can do two minutes. Do you mind if I write on my shopping list?

‘Your shopping list?’

Jake got out the loo roll and made a new note. FIND SOME WEED. He had two minutes to kill and really didn’t want to talk to Astral or what ever her name said in the messy smudge on her label so he just did pretend writing on the loo roll.

Harris was sitting opposite a very attractive half cast girl. She had a frizzy ponytail and a beautiful smile. Harris had always considered himself to be a ladies man so thought if he’d paid a tenner he was going to get his monies worth.

‘Hi I’m Ryan.’

‘Hi, I’m Angelina’

‘And what do you do Angelina?’

‘I’m a waitress, how about you?’

‘I’m sort of an entrepreneur. My father invented laser quest back in the early eighties so I’ve used my inherited wealth to invest in space travel. And in my spare time I’m a stuntman.

And so it went on. Harris managed to secure a date for every night of next week. Jake managed to make 3 girls cry and two walk out. He just wanted to get to the end so he could leave and find the Pixie and some marijuana. He breathed a sigh of relief when he got to the last girl, plonked himself down on the chair with no real effort and lit up a cigarette. He suddenly noticed she wasn’t saying anything so he looked up. She wasn’t even looking at him, more on the floor slightly to his right. He looked at her nametag. ‘Susan’. God this is going to be a fun two minutes he thought.

‘Hello Susan’

‘Hi’

Normally Jake would of loved to just sit in silence for 2 minutes and then be out the door but the fact she wouldn’t look at him was bugging him slightly (he had also been getting more agitated by the giggling coming from each of Harris’ tables whilst his tables yawned, slapped and cried.)

‘Err, why aren’t you looking at me Susan? Have I done something to offend you?’

‘I have a problem with eye contact is all’

‘Excellent. I have a problem with drink, drugs and impulsiveness. You know what I say about problems?’ Susan looked up slightly.

‘What’?

‘Fuck em. Everybody’s got them. Just because some peoples are more visible it doesn’t mean the rest of the population are ‘normal’. Susan smiled slightly and Jake sat back in his chair then nearly fell out of it when she spoke again.

 ‘You ever feel like you’re the main actor in the movie of your life Jake? Wouldn’t you like to be the director instead?’

‘What did you say?’ She was looking just off him now and Jake noticed she was much prettier than she acted. Big blue eyes, wavy brown hair and dimples on each side of her mouth.

‘Susan, I think you should come with me, well with us.’

‘But I haven’t met him yet’

‘Who?’

‘The man I’m waiting for’

‘Well come with us and I’ll help you find him, ok?’

‘Ok’. Jake was already up as the bell rang. He got Susan’s coat for her and began to usher her towards the door. He wasn’t too sure what the connection was between her and the man in the toilet but he felt it was all terribly important and related to him somehow which meant this was definitely not kidnapping. Harris brushed past him suddenly.

‘Run’

‘I thought you said you should only run if you’re being chased by something that wants to either…’

‘These girls want to do both’. Harris ran down the stairs and straight out of the pub as the large percentage of female patrons of ‘The Star Inn Weekly Speed Dating night’ chased after him.  Jake and Susan followed behind. He waited until Harris texted his location and met him on the old castle grounds about half a mile away.

‘Managed to outrun them’ Harris chuckled before casting eyes on Susan.

‘Who’s she?’

‘She’s with us. Don’t worry if she doesn’t look at you, I think she’s got PDD-NOS.’

‘But she’s looking straight at me’. Jake looked at Susan. She was staring into Harris’ eyes with a fierce intensity, a huge smile across her face.

‘Hello Ryan Harris’

‘How do you know my name?’

‘I’ve met you in my dreams. Would you like me to take you where we have to go next? Where’s the shopping list?’

‘

  ang onHang on I’ve just paid a fiver, well a tenner seeing as I paid for you as wellH

Chapter Six

Susan had always enjoyed bus rides. Sometimes when she was younger she would just buy a ticket and ride all day, stopping at nice looking places to go for walks. It was so much better than in a cramped car with people she knew wanting to just talk to her all the time. She had never understood why people found it so important to make general small talk rather than just sit back and enjoy life and the planet. Just as she was thinking how peaceful it all was, Jake started to ask her questions and ruined it.

‘So you said you’ve dreamt about Harris. What happens in the dreams?’

‘It started just after my left my old job. I picked up a book about dreams and how to control them. My condition always meant I suffered from nightmares especially when I’m depressed. After I lost my job I started having them every single night. The book helped me to control it and then I started meeting Ryan Harris in the dreams’.

‘What happened in the dreams?’ Harris asked.

‘We just hang out. You understand my condition and are very comforting and reassuring’

‘But I have no idea what POT…’

‘PDD-NOS’ Jake interrupted.’ It stands for Pervasive Development Disorder- Not Otherwise Specified. It’s a type of autism’ he whispered as Harris looked rather puzzled.

‘Oh, ok. So how long ago did you start having these dreams?’

‘Let me see. I lost my job about two months ago now, so just over a month’

‘Two months ago? Where did you work?’ Jake murmured half knowing the answer already.

‘I was the receptionist for a fuel company called Kelithfuel. But they went bust after a rather hideous accident and as I’d only been with the company for less than 6 months I got no redundancy package’.

‘That sucks’ sympathised Jake deciding not to tell her about his own connection with Kelithfuel. It would only seem like rubbing it in as he had got quite a generous redundancy. Plus she still could only look at Harris in the eyes still so he thought he would bide his time. Instead he changed the subject.

‘So where are you taking us?’

‘Nowhere, we’re already here’

‘You’re taking us on a bus?’ asked Harris looking at Jake and arching his eyebrows in a ‘lets get the hell off this bus as quickly as possible’ way.

‘No silly. We stay on the bus until The Writer gets on board and takes us where we need to go’

‘The Writer?’ Jake asked. But it was clear that Susan did not wish to talk anymore and went back to looking out of the window with a contented smile.

Jack pulled out the shopping list and crossed off speed dating. He added the notes ‘Writer’ and ‘Kelithfuel?’ on there followed by ‘Text the Pixie’. He got his phone out and spent the next 15 minutes staring at it trying to work out what to write. He had got as far as ‘Hey’ when a text came through. ‘The Pixie!’ He thought before realising it was from Harris. He looked up at Harris who was staring at him intently and nodding towards the phone. The text said

GOT BAD VIBE FROM THIS GRL. THINK WE SHOULD GT OFF AT NXT STOP.

Jake hated people who couldn’t write a message in normal English with appropriate grammar and spelling. He was about to tell Harris so when he heard a voice behind him.

‘Grl, Gt and Nxt are not words my friend. I strongly suggest you change that message straight away if you still want my help’

Jake turned in his seat to see who had spoken. It was a man in his early forty’s in a tweed suit. He had a pencil behind his ear, a black ponytail and a dictionary under his arm. Jake sighed.

‘Let me guess. You’re The Writer’

‘’How did you guess’ The Writer said disappointedly.

‘Just a hunch. I assume you know who Susan is’

‘Well naturally. I know who all of you are. Now if we could get off at the next stop I’ll take you back to my house for tea and biscuits and we can try and work out which one of you it is shall we.’

Jake nudged Susan but she didn’t budge. He jabbed her sharply in the arm but she still didn’t move.

‘Perhaps if Mr Harris tries?’ The Writer suggested. Harris leaned into her ear and spoke softly.

‘Come on you little weirdo it’s time to go.’ Susan sat up sharply and caught sight of The Writer.

‘Percy’ she exclaimed jumping up and hugging him.

‘Please dear, call me The Writer. I’m trying to sound enigmatic.’ The Writer looked visibly embarrassed. Harris and Jake got to there feet.

‘So, PERCY,’ Harris smirked. ‘About what you said earlier’

‘Yes, Yes. Tea and biscuits will be provided,’ The Writer waved his hand back as they began to exit the bus.

‘I think he meant more about ‘which one of us it is?’ said Jake.

‘Hmmm?’

‘You said we’d find out which one of us it was. I’m sure we would all like to know what you mean by that.’

‘Well its simple my drunken friend. We need to find out which one of you is dreaming.’