Chapter Nine

There are many theory’s about the world we live in which are entirely nonsense. The idea of time travel for example is completely impossible. Otherwise surely we would all be seeing future versions of ourselves strolling around the house or coming up to our beds in the middle of the night to inform us that our girlfriend is currently sleeping with John from accounts rather than on the girl’s night watching Mama Mia at the theatre like she said she was. Other impossible theory’s including:

• Carrots helping you to see in the dark
• Blondes having more fun
• Elvis still being alive.
• Simon Cowell knowing about 9/11
• Jesus

There are however a few theory’s that seem nonsense but are in fact true. Please allow me to tell you about one.

The ‘belief’ theory is one that has a simple enough premise. If enough people believe in a creature or idea then it becomes true or is brought into existence. The science behind the theory runs thus. As humans we only use 10% of our brain (as proven by people with beards and glasses). The other 90% is still working as our subconscious and is capable of many amazing things. This 90% has such a vivid imagination that it is capable of making ideas and dreams solid. Creatures from other, more advanced planets can obviously use this in a very productive way On average most dominant planetary life-forms use 53% of their brains with some using up to 88%. This gives them the advantage of believing incredibly useful ideas and creatures into existence. Some examples of this include the Drankoonian jumping cow whose milk can protect children from disease and The windpipe monster from the planet ‘Reginald Windpipe’ whose singing can ensure you feel refreshed after only half an hours sleep.

The problem the people on earth have is that the 10% of their brain that is actually used is generally used for quite negative thoughts after the age of around 10 years old. This is why nice, helpful characters such as Santa Claus, Cupid and the Easter bunny don’t exist. The majority of the planets population refuse to believe them into existence as they are simply too nice to comprehend. Terrible evil things such as nuclear and chemical warfare, plagues, famines and fast food are all too real however as the human brain is so quick to believe in them. Similarly; terrible creatures such as Werewolves, Vampires, ghosts and demons are all too real. Luckily humans believe that these creatures live in hiding, meaning they actually do and cannot run amok killing everything they see as seen in terrible movies.

It’s a shame really as some of these guys (particularly vampires) are actually quite sweet and would never normally mean anyone any harm. They wouldn’t even harm a fly if humans didn’t believe that they needed to feed off the blood of mortals in order to survive. They can’t even go out in the sun. Imagine how terrible their summers are? Especially when all the adverts on TV are for package holidays and they can’t even leave the house before dusk.

I know what you’re all thinking now. ‘Oh for f#*ks sake! We’ve already had God, Aliens, Dreams and the plot still makes little sense. Now he’s going to introduce a vampire character into the book as well’. Well, you’re all right. We are soon to meet another character and he is a vampire. Quite a nice one actually. Called Martin. And before you get upset that the books isn’t going anywhere I assure you there is a plot of sorts so please don’t stop reading. This isn’t ‘Lost’. I know where I’m going and what I’m doing. Count yourself luckily that I wrote this chapter to reassure you. Dan Brown wouldn’t be so considerate. Anyway enough of me. On with the story.

(I promise I’ll try and be funnier in this next bit and try and make sense more. And I apologise for all the swearing).