Prologue

And in the beginning God woke up late. As was always the case when you have to start a new job he had been dreading it so hadn't got much sleep the night before. In fact he was feeling quite narked when he actually came round to starting the day properly which was never a good sign for a first day at anything, let alone the creation of the universe.

And God made the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form or void but he'd get to that later. It was still early and he still had the crusty bits in the corner of his eyes and so couldn't see that well without squinting. If truth be told he was wishing he'd left it another month or two, but he'd chosen this date and if he left it any longer then it would be infinity before he even got started. Besides he'd invented the colour green last night and had a good feeling about it.

And God said let there be light and there was light. 'Not bad' he thought. In fact he was beginning to feel a lot better about everything. He broke for lunch and by the time he came back he felt in the mood for a bit of hard slog so cracked on. He divided the light and the darkness and created water, earth and vegetation. He made the sun to shine in the day and the moon to shine in the night (but a bit less so so he could get some sleep). 'I'm on a roll' he thought so he soldiered on and created various amounts of animals and birds and fishy things to wonder over the earth, swim in the water and fly through the air (a few too many he remembered thinking in retrospect). He was pleased with his work and decided to call it a night when he realised it had been five days and he was knackered. He hadn't even invented what a day was yet but he decided he was five times more tired than he normally was after a hard days thinking things into existence so he got some sleep and decided to concentrate all his efforts on the sixth day.

And on the sixth day God decided that he couldn't look after this place on his own. He had made way too many other galaxies, solar systems and planets to run them all single handed. And he hadn't even started to populate the others yet. Besides, some of the birds had already started to eat the fishy things; some of his favourite fishy things in fact but he couldn't remember what they looked like and so couldn't think them into existence again. So he decided to create a supreme being to look over his first, most loved planet. And he created them in his own image, made them male and female and told them to go forth on the planet and multiply. And they were to rule the planet so that when God returned after populating the rest of the universe they would be a shining example for everyone else on how to run a utopia. And so he made man and woman and decided to have a day off with his feet up before tackling a particular nice planet in the galaxy he had given the rather catchy name 'Reginald Windpipe'.



And so it came to pass that many Millennia later God returned to his original solar system in order to populate Mars. He decided to check how his original project was coming along. The planets of Birolus 5 and Drankoon were shining examples of life in a modern universe and he had high hopes for how Earth would be shaping up (He only wished he'd thought of a cooler name at the time). If God wore spectacles (which he didn't) he would have taken them off his eyes, rubbed them on the sleeve of his jumper and reapplied them. Twice. He was shocked. (Which is an emotion pretty hard for a deity to experience) Not just by the war, disease and famine that plagued the planet. He had seen many a planet scrapped after the natives couldn't help but evolve themselves into oblivion. He was more dismayed at the backwards way the planet was heading. The guardians of the planet were wearing material over their bodies. They were not killing each other for the sake of it like most civilised worlds he had brought into existence. Instead they fought over power, money and oil. He hadn't even invented power money and oil. Worse still they fought over these things in his name.

Needless to say God was furious and began to take out his revenge. And so God said let there be soap operas and reality television. And there was. And everyone knew it was bad but watched it anyway. And God created microwavable meals and Ginsters Pasties and students ate them because they were cheap and got diarrhoea. And God created cheap drugs made out of plant fertiliser that turned nations into gibbering simpletons. And he created endless chains of shops selling coffee at ridiculous prices with ridiculous names like Frapaccino and MP3 players and knife crime so no-one on the tube would ever speak to each other again. But this was just the start of Gods wrath. Before God left for another Solar System in the Galaxy (there was no way he was going to populate Mars and force them to be neighbours with these arseholes) He put a sense of resentment and hatred into all the people on the planet that deserved it. That way he thought the twats will only breed with the twats and the saintly will only breed with the saintly. 'I'll come back in a few millennia and see if evolution has taken its course' he thought. And with that he nipped off for a croissant before getting on with his afternoon chores of inventing the cabbage for the good people on Finost 12.


Of course what God had unfortunately forgotten was that many people on the planet Earth fell into neither the category of twat nor saintly. There were far too many people stuck in between. One such person goes by the name of Jake Stunner. He is the hero of our story. He is twenty three years old, hungover and currently locked outside of his house eating a Ginsters Chicken and Mushroom Slice.

Chapter One

Jake Stunner sat on his doorstep and stared at himself in the reflection of the mirror. He wasn't a bad looking guy he concluded. Pretty tall, pretty trim, good complexion, nice thick black hair. And he had those eyes of course. The eyes that had snared him the Manic Pixie in the first place. Those big brown eyes with long lashes that she said had drawn her to him across the carpark where they first met. They and his hands he had been repeatedly told were his best features. He laughed to himself. Less than two months ago he had had everything he ever wanted. A family, a good job and a beautiful girlfriend who actually had a real personality. Now he was a single unemployed orphan with a monstrous hangover and even the best looking hands and the most attractive eyes on the planet could not change that. All of these things were completely unrelated of course but fate has a strange habit of kicking you whilst you're down and in Jake Stunner's case it was not so much kicking him as urinating on him from a two storey building whilst simultaneously playing conkers with his testicles.

Jake finished his chicken and mushroom slice and threw the wrapper on the floor, watching the rain and wind rush it out of the driveway and down the road. He burped and felt his stomach jolt from side to side. Feeling inside his long black jacket he found his cigarette case and pulled out a smoke and a lighter. He lit the Zippo on the knee of his jeans, raised it to his mouth and inhaled deeply. 'The universe is definitely against me' he thought. 'If only there was some way of proving it, then I could file a formal complaint.' He looked out into the street and had a brainwave. It was only drizzling but it was still quite windy. No-one had walked past in at least forty five minutes. He stood up and walked to the edge of the pavement. 'No-one has walked past in forty five minutes' he thought again to himself, and started to urinate freely inside his trousers. It was actually rather liberating and he instantly became a lot warmer. 'No-one has walked past in forty five minutes' he thought again to himself and he closed his eyes and began to count.

ONE

TWO

THR...

'Mummy!'

He opened his eyes to see three children running crying to their mum and he looked down at the large urine stain on the front of his trousers which they were all pointing at. He smiled slightly to himself and turned around to walk back to the cover of the porch as the vile abuse came flying his way from the small group of mothers who had now gathered in front of him.

The universe was definitely against him.

In times like this Jake had learnt to sit down, reminisce about where things may have gone wrong and wait for everything to blow over until his luck changed for the better again.

As he leant against the door of his £700,000 house which he couldn't get into he first thought about his job. To be honest he hadn't really enjoyed it that much. His boss had been a nightmare. One of those people who always wanted to be a professional sportsman but couldn't stay off the doughnuts so instead became a resentful and overweight bully. He had however been well paid and the job at least let him melt into the background and not be noticed (something Jake had always tried to do in every aspect of his life). He had been an executive seller of 'Kelithfuel' which was basically petrol, but really cheap petrol. They had a salesman of the month board in the office and for five months straight the name 'Jake Stunner' had been up there. He was proud of his work and his pride shone through in how he acted, which was how he met the Manic Pixie.

Just across a carpark, he had helped her out when a couple of guys tried to rob her handbag and they had hit it off straight away. His confidence that came naturally with being a salesman perfectly complimented her whimsical and carefree nature. Together there was nothing they couldn't accomplish. Then disaster struck. The business went bust. Apparently the reason Kelithfuel was so cheap was because it was also highly unstable and after the motorcade of a foreign dignity exploded the following investigation proved that Kelithfuel was the cause. He lost his job with no chance of a redundancy package and less than a month after that he lost the Manic Pixie. She said they had grown apart but he knew deep down that it was only him who had changed. He was directionless and wanted more out of life. He just didn't know what.

After she had left he decided to go travelling; only he had no idea where. Firstly he blindfolded himself and stuck a pin in a map, the idea being he would catch the first flight to the nearest airport of wherever the pin landed. He had stuck the pin in, removed the blindfold and found himself staring at Great Britain. England. South England. Just below London. Suspiciously slap bang in Guildford where he currently lived. Not to be put off he decided to turn on his computer, close his eyes and hit a random letter on the keyboard. He would then find somewhere to travel to beginning with this letter. Closing his eyes he didn’t notice the fly buzz into his ear. He flayed his arms around as he tried to escape it, drinks, food and his keyboard ending up on the floor. When he finally killed the offending fly with a wine glass he opened his eyes to see two words on his screen. GUILDFORD, ENGLAND. 'Not impossible' he thought. 'But ridiculously improbable.'

It was at that moment he decided to just go to the furthest away place he could think of beginning with the letter N when he got the call. His parents had been killed in a freak accident whilst on holiday in Scotland and he had been left all of their worldly possessions including the house. Now there was no way he could go travelling until it was sold so he spent his days walking naked around a house worth nearly a million pounds drinking wine from the back of the cupboard and ranting about how the universe had it in for him. Except now he was locked out and he had no wine.

Jake Stunner's back was beginning to hurt. He couldn’t stay here all day. However he couldn’t smash a window as his parents had been security enthusiasts and spent a fortune putting lead into the quadruple glazed windows. He needed a plan. He needed to get the Manic Pixie back. He needed a drink. Then it hit him. He would go see Harris. He might look terrible but Harris worked close by and had a bathroom. And a selection of drinks. And somewhere to sit. And hopefully some clean clothes. He jumped to his feet and the coldness reminded him that he had pissed himself only minutes earlier. Pulling his phone out he began to walk at a brisk pace down the road whilst calling Harris. Straight to voicemail. Never mind, Jake knew exactly where he would be. He left an excited message. A plan was beginning to form in his mind and this one would not involve him scaring small children with his bodily functions

'Harris its Jake Stunner here. I'm coming to see you at work. I have an idea and a plan that I need your help with. I require wine. And trousers. And a pencil and paper. We're going to make a shopping list.'

Chapter Two

Ryan Harris was having a good day. It had started off well when he had woken up on time for the first time in six months and had subsequently not been late for work. ‘Clearly the key to being on time is to not get absolutely hammered the night before’ he thought to himself before deciding he was going to get doubly drunk tonight to make up for the previous evenings abstinence. The day had got even better when he realised he had time to have a proper breakfast rather than just eat a Rivita as he ran for the train like most days meaning he was starving a good 2 hours before lunch and again about 2 hours afterwards. No, today he had managed to have coffee, juice and a bacon, sausage and egg bagel whilst reading the morning papers. He felt incredibly refreshed and on his leisurely stroll into work he stopped off at the cornershop in order to buy a scratch card. He ground away at the silvery wall before smiling to himself when it was revealed he had won £50. This day was getting better all the time.

He arrived at work to find he was on guard duty as opposed to just standing by the barriers and hopped on the next train to Portsmouth. Apparently Gina the new ticket woman was on the train as well so he decided that he wouldn’t just have a nap in the front carriage as normal and instead began to make his way down the carriages in the hope of seeing her for an early morning flirt. He definitely enjoyed the trains more in the mornings. People were always in such better moods before their McJobs ground them into their daily depression. He began to indulge in his favourite hobby of looking at the various magazines and books people were reading and working out what this said about them. ‘Financial Times. Wanker. Daily Mail. Extreme Wanker. Maxim magazine. No shame. The Sun. Builder. To Kill a Mocking Bird. Intelligent and thoughtful. A Tale of Two Cities. Trying to appear intelligent and thoughtful. The train pulled into Woking. Next stop Guildford. Harris smiled to himself as he pictured the place he grew up but had now thankfully departed. He had always thought of himself as being a big fish in a small pond and had escaped his childhood home as soon as was humanly possible. He was a Londonite now and one day he might be a manager for British Rail. He missed his old friends of course but he knew they would all still be in the same town and he had no overwhelming desire to return there in a hurry.

Harris checked his phone. No signal as was typical for this part of the track. He had got to the middle of the train now so he collected the refreshments cart and started making his long way through the next set of carriages shouting as he went. ‘Any food or drinks? Any food or drinks?’ He passed the toilet and heard the familiar squirming and commotion inside. When he had first got the job he always thought it might be a couple getting frisky but now he knew that it would just be about six teenagers hiding in there so they didn’t have to pay their fare. Then he saw her. Gina. She was leaning up against the door idly flicking her long red hair. Harris began to do his own hair in the reflection of the carts kettle. He swept his long blonde mane over his ears so she could see his full face and began to approach her wondering what line he would use. ‘Nice weather. Look I’m not hungover! I want to make passionate love to any part of your body that you will let me near.’ Luckily at that point he was saved any embarrassment as his day quickly went from amazing to completely terrible in the space of 3 seconds.

Jake was going so quickly through the carriage that Harris did not realise who he was before he was on top of him. In fact he assumed he was a terrorist or worse, someone after the contents of the refreshment trolley. Well Harris was not going to stand for that. Especially with Gina and the entire carriage now giving him their full attention (except the people on their mp3 players who were naturally oblivious.) Harris swung his fist into the side of Jakes neck sending him crashing onto the floor and braced himself to punch him again when he got back to his feet. However the man he just hit seemed content to be on the floor and merely put his hand into the cart and pulled out a mini bottle of wine which he proceeded to open and swig. Harris was unsure how to react to this. He had obviously won the fight already and yet he was still being robbed of his carts precious vino. Then it clicked. This fellow clearly didn’t play a fair game and Harris only knew one person with the audacity to steal booze from someone who had just knocked them to the deck.

‘What are you doing here Jake?’ he asked wearily.

Jake got to his feet; one hand on his neck the other clutching the nearly empty wine bottle.

‘There’s no time to explain Harris. We need to alight at the next stop; and I need to procure some trousers.’

‘What are you talking about! I can’t go anywhere with you, I’m working. And why do you smell so strongly of urine?

‘Look Harris’ Jake was becoming exasperated. Clearly Harris did not know the urgency with which he had to put his plan into action. It was nearly 2 o’clock and all he had achieved was a small glass of wine and a bruised neck. He still did not have his shopping list and by the time he had written it at this rate the shops would be shut. He hadn’t even had lunch yet. He breathed deeply and attempted to explain everything to the puzzled and embarrassed looking Harris as quickly as possible.

‘LookIneedtomakeashoppinglistsoicangetthemanicpixiebackandgetonwithmylifetoadegreeofsomesortofsuccess. Ican’tdoitonmyownsoiwashopingyouwouldhelpmeforoldtimessake’.

‘What?’

‘Are you in or out Harris?!’

‘I can’t just leave work in the middle of a shift Jake!’

Jake looked around in desperation before catching sight of Gina.

‘Excuse me! You work here don’t you?

‘Well yes I…’

‘And you know my friend Harris don’t you?

‘Well I’ve only been here a coupl…

‘Quite attractive isn’t he?

‘Jake!’ Harris began.

‘I suppose so I..

‘Well err Gina’ he read off her name tag.

‘If you would be so willing as to cover for our mutual friend Harris here for a few hours then in return he will take you out on a date to a 3 star restaurant followed by the theatre production of your choice. Do you like the theatre Gina?’

‘I’d quite like to see the Lion King musical’

‘An excellent choice Gina. Harris will pick you up on Thursday at 7.30pm. Thank you so much for your co-operation. All of you’. Jake addressed the whole carriage before opening the train doors and yanking Ryan Harris so hard that they fell out onto the platform of Guildford station and Harris knocked his head against the stairs leading out. He scarcely had time to curse however before Jake was picking him up by the scruff of the neck and dragging him down the corridor.

‘If I get fired it will be entirely your fault Jake. Where are we going?’

‘Firstly to get me some trousers with a slightly more pleasant odour than the ones I currently inhabit. Secondly the pub. We need beer and food before cracking on with the main job in hand of changing our lives forever for the better.’

                                          

Chapter Three

There were only two reasons why a man should ever have to run Harris had decided. Number one was if he was being chased by something that wanted to eat him or at least seriously hurt him. Number two was if he was chasing something he wanted to seriously hurt or eat. He was 90% sure the security guard from the department store they had being running from did not want to eat them and couldn’t of hurt them if he tried seeing as he was somewhere around 154 years old. He was also sure the only thing him and Jake were running towards was a pub lunch which whilst being something they wanted to eat was hardly going to hightail it out of the establishments freezer if it suspected they were on their way to devour it. He turned the corner which Jake had just gone hurtling round, his recently stolen trousers flapping in the wind over his shoulder and ran slap bang into the face of somebody heading in the opposite direction sending him flying onto the pavement.

‘OOOWW FUCK!’ He screamed at the offending person who stood motionless in front of him as blood started to trickle out of Harris’ nose. He’d had enough of today already and was not in the mood for pleasantries with what looked like a 12 year old kid standing completely still with a somewhat bemused look on his face even though the collision had managed to send Harris flying a good 4 feet..

‘Why don’t you look where you’re fucking going you little shit!’

The child had still not moved and seemed to not have a scratch on him. He did however seem to be getting very flustered and in a hurry.

‘I’m dreadfully sorry friend. I’m just in a bit of a rush and not used to…’

Harris was not in the mood for this. He’d taken enough abuse from kids on the trains over the past few years. They spat at him, smoked and drank and if he said anything to them about their behaviour 50% of the time they pulled out a knife (well twice anyway). It was about time someone stood up to these troublemakers. Before the nose breaker had the chance to explain what he was not used to (probably walking and talking at the same time Harris thought) he got to his feet, planted a swift knee into the boy’s youthful testicles and walked across the road into the pub. He gave a slight glance round behind him as he went. The chav had certainly felt that alright and was now screaming something that didn’t sound like any language Harris had ever heard. But he supposed he himself had yelled in tongues he didn’t think possible for human vocal chords to manage after a kick in the balls. The boy should be glad. Now he knew what it felt like to be on the other side of an unfair advantage. It would be a while before he mugged an old lady on the bus again. Harris entered the bar, proud that he had done his hometown a service and hoped Jake had got a round in.

Jake was actually in the toilets trying to remove a security tag from a pair of trousers. These things were trickier than they looked and he was beginning to lose his patience. The idea of testing the universes loathing of him by wetting himself now seemed a very stupid idea indeed and he was starting to chafe quite badly down below. He decided he couldn’t waste anymore of the day messing around with his clothing, so he removed his trousers, washed his legs and genitals as best he could with water from the cistern, put on the new ones and left his shirt untucked so the security tag was hidden away. Perfect. He emptied the pockets of the his previous wet jeans and found his wallet with his train ticket and the picture of his parents still thankfully dry, his mobile phone with half a battery, his fake Swiss army knife and a small pencil he had stolen from a betting shop on the way out of the station. He removed the half roll of toilet paper from the wall and stuffed it in his back pocket. Time to make that list he thought and exited the cubicle. He went up to the mirror and bathed as much of his upper body as he could without getting naked in the men’s toilets (something that had backfired on him in the past). He attempted unsuccessfully to do his hair and went to return to the bar.

‘Have you been speed-dating yet?’

Jake nearly jumped out of his own skin. Unfortunately that was impossible so he merely slipped over onto the floor of the toilet and got his brand new stolen jeans covered in urine. ‘Beyond ironic’ Jake thought and got to his feet slowly trying to make out the figure coming forward from the shadows.

‘Have you been speed-dating yet?’ The figure asked again. Jake could make him out now. He must have been around sixty years old but he looked pretty good for his age. Skin still smooth, no crows feet around the eyes, hair only slightly receding. He was probably just less than 6 foot tall and wore a fedora hat, a long black trenchcoat, with brown trousers and shoes. As he came forward he blew large smoke rings which landed over Jakes face.

‘Err no I have never been speed-dating. Nor would I like to go with you or indeed anyone I meet in the men’s toilets’

‘Damn it I’m early. I’ll speak to you after you’ve been to the speed-dating’.

Yeah ok, old man, sure. Speak to you soon’. Jake turned round to leave when he felt something tug on his shoulder and spin him back round. The Old man was suddenly centimetres from his face.

‘Listen to me Jake Stunner. I know you. I know all about you. I know why you’ve got a security tag on the back of your jeans, why you have a half used toilet roll in your back pocket and why you smell so badly of urine.’

‘I smell of urine because you scared me into falling onto the floor

‘You smell of urine because you pissed yourself in front of several children and their mothers earlier today you little prick. Now perhaps next time you see me after the speed-dating you won’t be so quick to dismiss what I have to say.

‘For the last time I am not going speed-dating it’s for sad losers who can’t get a da..’

The old man pulled him even closer and whispered his next few words with such intensity that Jake thought they might burn him as the breath hit his face.

‘You ever feel like you’re the main actor in the movie of your life Jake? Wouldn’t you like to be the director instead?’

And with that he swept out of the door.

Jake Stunner was not one to shock easily. He pulled himself together remarkably quickly, took a moment to look himself up and down in the mirror again and swiftly left the toilet grabbing a paper towel as he did so to dry his jeans. He encountered Harris straight away buying a couple of drinks at the bar and surveying the menu. He caught sight of Jakes wet jeans.

‘Not again Jake. Have you got a problem or something?’

‘Never mind that, which way did the old man go?'

‘I’m sorry?’

‘The old man; He must of just walked straight past you’

‘We’re the only two people in the whole pub Jake’

‘What? Oh whatever. I’m not getting distracted anymore. Come on lets sit down’. They found a seat in the corner and Jake began to explain his plan at length to Harris.

‘So let me get this straight. You want to get back your ex who you call Pixie?’

‘The Manic Pixie. Correct’

‘And to get her back you’re going to write a shopping list of things to buy in order to help you’

‘Correct again’

‘Fair enough. So what’s the first thing on the list?’ Jake thought for a minute and froze. He’d been so caught up in the idea of getting the Pixie back that he hadn’t actually bothered to think about how he was going to do it. In fact he had no idea how to even begin. Flowers? Chocolates? Lube? He had never been particularly romantic even whilst he was with the Pixie. How was he going to convince her he was a modern day Romeo now?

‘Anyway, what do you want her back for anyway?’ Harris went on. If you want my advice never go back out with an ex. It never works. You’d be better off meeting someone new.’

‘Well tell me Cupid, how would you suppose I do that?’

‘I don’t know, the normal ways. Bars, evening classes, websites, speed-dating’

‘What?’

‘I said bars, evening classes…’

‘And speed-dating! That’s it. Jake got out his pencil and scribbled speed-dating on his toilet roll.

‘I don’t think going speed-dating is going to help you win your crazy elf or whatever she was called back.’

‘Never mind all that now. Get your phone out and Google speed-dating. I need to find the most local place. To go’

‘You’re on the wrong floor mate’. A voice called over from the bar. Jake and Harris looked up to see the barman gesturing upstairs with an elbow whilst he polished a glass. ‘Speed-dating’s upstairs in the function room. You’d better get up there, it started 10 minutes ago.

Jake Stunner was on his feet already. Downing the rest of his beer he grabbed Harris and began to pull him towards the stairs.

‘Come on Harris we’re going speed dating. This plot is beginning to thicken!’

Chapter Four

God had been thinking to himself. Maybe he had been a bit too hard on Earth. After all he hadn’t shown them the same amount of time and effort as he had some of the other planets and Solar Systems. He’d just sort of let them get on with it. He also hadn’t had the value of hindsight and learning from his mistakes with those guys. If he’d of known then what he did now then he never would have invented wasps. Needless to say He was feeling one very guilty sentient being right now and was trying to figure out a way to give The Earth and more specifically the human race (he’d already made plans to ship the bee’s, guinea-pigs and other more successful species to a more desirable galaxy) a second chance.

He thought of many different things he could do. First he thought about a mass talent contest where people would sing him a song or do a dance and the ones he thought were good enough would be allowed to survive. This idea lasted about 2 minutes before being cast into the metaphorical trash compartment of his infinite brain. The second idea was causing a massive flood where everyone on earth perished except two of the best specimens of each species (excluding wasps). These remaining survivors would sail in a boat until the floods resided and they could start building the planet again under the watchful eye of God himself. He dismissed this idea for two reasons. One, he couldn’t be bothered to have to babysit a planets entire evolution from scratch, especially when a new season of his favourite TV program had started on the planet Dudanium X. And two it sounded ridiculous. He was God; he could kill everyone on the planet if he wanted to without a seconds thought. What would be the point of flooding the place as well? The remaining rainforests hadn’t done anyone any harm. He was always having these far fetched schemes. Maybe he was just bored with the usual create planet, destroy planet, speak to people in their heads to freak them out routine that had been his existence for the past infinity.

After much thought he decided that the best thing to do would be to give humans one last chance to convince him that they were still worthy of running the planet for him. He would send down a brilliant mind from one of his more successful planets to make contact with a member of the human race and ask him to justify mankind’s existence. If he succeeded humanity would be spared and free to carry on. If he failed, well he was sure they were all familiar with the fate of the Muldographs from Kentasad1! God chuckled to himself. The only question was who to send and who should they make contact with? The first part was easy; in fact he already had someone from Birolus 5 in mind. And the second? He didn’t want it to be a great leader as they were all mad on power and hated by the vast population of the planet. It had to be an everyday person but with the potential to make people listen. God consulted his charts.

Mulhammed Plus swayed unsteadily along the pavement as he tried to get to grips with the body he currently inhabited. He had wanted to go in his own body but God had insisted he go in form of the friendliest type of person possible so the humans would not greet him with disgust. They had discussed at much length on the form he should take and decided that the innocence of youth was something that shined through in any culture. Nevertheless he now had an enormous headache from cramming his knowledge into this tiny head and the smell of Earth life was making him feel quite ill. He checked the photo of the man he was meant to be looking for and then looked up in surprise to find him hightailing it round a corner with some trousers over his shoulder and into a building on the other side of the street. God was very precise with his directions Mulhammed Plus thought and began to attempt to run as fast as he could which for someone from Birolus 5 was incredibly slow but for anyone from earth he was probably breaking the world record for speed. Just as he was about to cross the road something hit him in the face and bounced onto the floor.

He saw blood drip from the humanoids face and considered pretending he was hurt too (luckily God had assured him his Birolus body could hold up against any pain humans could dish out.) He decided to try and talk to the man in his newly learnt language of English. The young gentleman seemed to be very upset with him and got to his feet. He tried to explain how he wasn’t used to running in his new body with only two legs and no turbo boosters when the man planted one of his knees into the dangly bits between Mulhammed Plus’ own legs and he suddenly experienced a pain he had never felt in his entire life. He fell to the floor and screamed in his native tongue which happened to cause all the birds in the local vicinity to explode. He cursed at the young man entering the building in every language and way he knew how but the bastard just glanced back and smiled. Before teleporting his thankfully temporary body back to his craft he thought how happy he was that the whole planet was now consigned to destruction and how he intended to have a serious talk with God about the concept of ‘no pain possible’.

Chapter Five

Harris was reading the card they had picked up with their name badges at the Speed Dating reception. It made him hate humanity.

LOOKING FOR MR/S RIGHT? OR EVEN MR/S RIGHT NOW??!!!

Speed dating is a totally radical way to meet people in your local area!!

Simply come down to the many local venues holding the event, pay the small entrance fee and prepare to be swept off your feet by up to 10 different men/women!!

All you need to do is place a cross in the box of the ones you feel you have that ‘special’ connection with and your dates will do the same. We’ll let you know any matches you get and then the world is your Oyster!!!

Speed dating is perfect for people with a lifestyle too busy for normal ‘social’ dating or for people simply trying to get back in the game!!

We guarantee you will not be disappointed. Speed dating ensures you meet a wide variety of people so someone is bound to take your fancy!!!!!

So Come On What Are You Waiting For? Join The 21^st Century. Join Speed Dating!!!!!!!!!

Terms and conditions apply. The management reserve the right to give no refunds to anyone who is ugly/fat/mentally ill or simply a bit weird

We cannot guarantee that anyone will actually like you.

No piece of writing is exciting enough to warrant that many question marks Harris thought. He grabbed his complimentary glass of fizz and began to hunt out Jake who he found circling the room in a rather weird fashion.

‘I don’t understand Jake, Are you just supposed to walk up to people and start talking to them? Surely all dates are like this? I think we’ve been ripped off.’

‘I don’t think it’s actually begun yet Harris. They’re setting up over there with the tables. Damn it she isn’t here. This must be the wrong speed dating. Let’s just go.’

‘Who isn’t here? Hang on, I’ve just paid a fiver, no, a tenner seeing as I had to pay for you as well. At least let me finish my Champagne.’

‘Fine, you can have mine as well. And it’s Lambrussco, not Champagne. I’m going for a smoke. Do you have any weed?’

Just then a bell rang and a small young Brunette girl in a tight top and short skirt ushered all the men into the small circle of desks round chairs. It took a while for Jake and Harris to work out what was going on. Jake was sat opposite a Korean looking girl with glasses and pigtails. She looked incredibly keen for him to talk to her but he was unsure what the etiquette was. To be honest the Manic Pixie wasn’t here so he just wanted to get out.

‘Err, how long do these things usually last for?’

‘Two minutes, Mr err Jake.’

‘Stunner, Jake Stunner. Two minutes, I can do two minutes. Do you mind if I write on my shopping list?

‘Your shopping list?’

Jake got out the loo roll and made a new note. FIND SOME WEED. He had two minutes to kill and really didn’t want to talk to Astral or what ever her name said in the messy smudge on her label so he just did pretend writing on the loo roll.

Harris was sitting opposite a very attractive half cast girl. She had a frizzy ponytail and a beautiful smile. Harris had always considered himself to be a ladies man so thought if he’d paid a tenner he was going to get his monies worth.

‘Hi I’m Ryan.’

‘Hi, I’m Angelina’

‘And what do you do Angelina?’

‘I’m a waitress, how about you?’

‘I’m sort of an entrepreneur. My father invented laser quest back in the early eighties so I’ve used my inherited wealth to invest in space travel. And in my spare time I’m a stuntman.

And so it went on. Harris managed to secure a date for every night of next week. Jake managed to make 3 girls cry and two walk out. He just wanted to get to the end so he could leave and find the Pixie and some marijuana. He breathed a sigh of relief when he got to the last girl, plonked himself down on the chair with no real effort and lit up a cigarette. He suddenly noticed she wasn’t saying anything so he looked up. She wasn’t even looking at him, more on the floor slightly to his right. He looked at her nametag. ‘Susan’. God this is going to be a fun two minutes he thought.

‘Hello Susan’

‘Hi’

Normally Jake would of loved to just sit in silence for 2 minutes and then be out the door but the fact she wouldn’t look at him was bugging him slightly (he had also been getting more agitated by the giggling coming from each of Harris’ tables whilst his tables yawned, slapped and cried.)

‘Err, why aren’t you looking at me Susan? Have I done something to offend you?’

‘I have a problem with eye contact is all’

‘Excellent. I have a problem with drink, drugs and impulsiveness. You know what I say about problems?’ Susan looked up slightly.

‘What’?

‘Fuck em. Everybody’s got them. Just because some peoples are more visible it doesn’t mean the rest of the population are ‘normal’. Susan smiled slightly and Jake sat back in his chair then nearly fell out of it when she spoke again.

 ‘You ever feel like you’re the main actor in the movie of your life Jake? Wouldn’t you like to be the director instead?’

‘What did you say?’ She was looking just off him now and Jake noticed she was much prettier than she acted. Big blue eyes, wavy brown hair and dimples on each side of her mouth.

‘Susan, I think you should come with me, well with us.’

‘But I haven’t met him yet’

‘Who?’

‘The man I’m waiting for’

‘Well come with us and I’ll help you find him, ok?’

‘Ok’. Jake was already up as the bell rang. He got Susan’s coat for her and began to usher her towards the door. He wasn’t too sure what the connection was between her and the man in the toilet but he felt it was all terribly important and related to him somehow which meant this was definitely not kidnapping. Harris brushed past him suddenly.

‘Run’

‘I thought you said you should only run if you’re being chased by something that wants to either…’

‘These girls want to do both’. Harris ran down the stairs and straight out of the pub as the large percentage of female patrons of ‘The Star Inn Weekly Speed Dating night’ chased after him.  Jake and Susan followed behind. He waited until Harris texted his location and met him on the old castle grounds about half a mile away.

‘Managed to outrun them’ Harris chuckled before casting eyes on Susan.

‘Who’s she?’

‘She’s with us. Don’t worry if she doesn’t look at you, I think she’s got PDD-NOS.’

‘But she’s looking straight at me’. Jake looked at Susan. She was staring into Harris’ eyes with a fierce intensity, a huge smile across her face.

‘Hello Ryan Harris’

‘How do you know my name?’

‘I’ve met you in my dreams. Would you like me to take you where we have to go next? Where’s the shopping list?’

‘

  ang onHang on I’ve just paid a fiver, well a tenner seeing as I paid for you as wellH

Chapter Six

Susan had always enjoyed bus rides. Sometimes when she was younger she would just buy a ticket and ride all day, stopping at nice looking places to go for walks. It was so much better than in a cramped car with people she knew wanting to just talk to her all the time. She had never understood why people found it so important to make general small talk rather than just sit back and enjoy life and the planet. Just as she was thinking how peaceful it all was, Jake started to ask her questions and ruined it.

‘So you said you’ve dreamt about Harris. What happens in the dreams?’

‘It started just after my left my old job. I picked up a book about dreams and how to control them. My condition always meant I suffered from nightmares especially when I’m depressed. After I lost my job I started having them every single night. The book helped me to control it and then I started meeting Ryan Harris in the dreams’.

‘What happened in the dreams?’ Harris asked.

‘We just hang out. You understand my condition and are very comforting and reassuring’

‘But I have no idea what POT…’

‘PDD-NOS’ Jake interrupted.’ It stands for Pervasive Development Disorder- Not Otherwise Specified. It’s a type of autism’ he whispered as Harris looked rather puzzled.

‘Oh, ok. So how long ago did you start having these dreams?’

‘Let me see. I lost my job about two months ago now, so just over a month’

‘Two months ago? Where did you work?’ Jake murmured half knowing the answer already.

‘I was the receptionist for a fuel company called Kelithfuel. But they went bust after a rather hideous accident and as I’d only been with the company for less than 6 months I got no redundancy package’.

‘That sucks’ sympathised Jake deciding not to tell her about his own connection with Kelithfuel. It would only seem like rubbing it in as he had got quite a generous redundancy. Plus she still could only look at Harris in the eyes still so he thought he would bide his time. Instead he changed the subject.

‘So where are you taking us?’

‘Nowhere, we’re already here’

‘You’re taking us on a bus?’ asked Harris looking at Jake and arching his eyebrows in a ‘lets get the hell off this bus as quickly as possible’ way.

‘No silly. We stay on the bus until The Writer gets on board and takes us where we need to go’

‘The Writer?’ Jake asked. But it was clear that Susan did not wish to talk anymore and went back to looking out of the window with a contented smile.

Jack pulled out the shopping list and crossed off speed dating. He added the notes ‘Writer’ and ‘Kelithfuel?’ on there followed by ‘Text the Pixie’. He got his phone out and spent the next 15 minutes staring at it trying to work out what to write. He had got as far as ‘Hey’ when a text came through. ‘The Pixie!’ He thought before realising it was from Harris. He looked up at Harris who was staring at him intently and nodding towards the phone. The text said

GOT BAD VIBE FROM THIS GRL. THINK WE SHOULD GT OFF AT NXT STOP.

Jake hated people who couldn’t write a message in normal English with appropriate grammar and spelling. He was about to tell Harris so when he heard a voice behind him.

‘Grl, Gt and Nxt are not words my friend. I strongly suggest you change that message straight away if you still want my help’

Jake turned in his seat to see who had spoken. It was a man in his early forty’s in a tweed suit. He had a pencil behind his ear, a black ponytail and a dictionary under his arm. Jake sighed.

‘Let me guess. You’re The Writer’

‘’How did you guess’ The Writer said disappointedly.

‘Just a hunch. I assume you know who Susan is’

‘Well naturally. I know who all of you are. Now if we could get off at the next stop I’ll take you back to my house for tea and biscuits and we can try and work out which one of you it is shall we.’

Jake nudged Susan but she didn’t budge. He jabbed her sharply in the arm but she still didn’t move.

‘Perhaps if Mr Harris tries?’ The Writer suggested. Harris leaned into her ear and spoke softly.

‘Come on you little weirdo it’s time to go.’ Susan sat up sharply and caught sight of The Writer.

‘Percy’ she exclaimed jumping up and hugging him.

‘Please dear, call me The Writer. I’m trying to sound enigmatic.’ The Writer looked visibly embarrassed. Harris and Jake got to there feet.

‘So, PERCY,’ Harris smirked. ‘About what you said earlier’

‘Yes, Yes. Tea and biscuits will be provided,’ The Writer waved his hand back as they began to exit the bus.

‘I think he meant more about ‘which one of us it is?’ said Jake.

‘Hmmm?’

‘You said we’d find out which one of us it was. I’m sure we would all like to know what you mean by that.’

‘Well its simple my drunken friend. We need to find out which one of you is dreaming.’

Chapter Seven

For someone who was clearly trying to give off an air of mystery, Jake was rather surprised that Percy lived in a rather swanky flat above a shop on the outskirts of Guildford. Despite his initial suspicions about him, Jake was definitely beginning to warm to The Writer. Not least because Susan was clearly happy around him. Despite the fact that she still hadn’t managed to look him in the eyes yet, Jake was very happy they had met Susan. She seemed to be the thing driving them forward as apposed to just wondering around the bars of Guildford getting drunk and looking for the Pixie. Despite the fact that he was no way closer to getting the M.P. back apart from the word ‘Hi’ on an unsent text, Jake was excited about everything that was happening. The old man in the bathroom leading them to Susan who had recognised Harris from the dream and lead them to Percy who claimed that this was all just a figment of one of their imaginations. He became even more excited when he breathed in inside The Writers flat and smelt the sweet scent of cannabis. He saw the pipe and ashtray on the coffee table and sat down closest to it. It was at this point he realised that Harris was lagging behind.

Harris was feeling the complete opposite to Jake. He had missed a day off work and was probably going to lose his job. He had damaged a young boy’s scrotum and was feeling incredibly guilty about it and although he had several dates to prepare for next week he was stuck with a nutcase who claimed she dreamt about him and a middle aged man called Percy who clearly thought he was some sort of magician. Harris didn’t believe any of this nonsense about dreaming. He thought Susan had probably read his name off his label at the speed dating and taken a liking to him. He was just waiting for the moment when this ‘Writer’ was going to ask them to hand over their bank account details so he could punch him in the face and get Jake out of there. However he also smelt the drugs wafting in the air and decided he would see what Percy had to say for himself before he lamped him one. Hopefully he had a bong as well.

Susan could barely contain her excitement. She had been reading up on dreams for months now and was positive that this was one of hers. After all she had dreamt about Ryan Harris and The Writer many times before. She wasn’t sure who this Jake Stunner was but he had the Shopping list and she knew he must be important. Susan was sure that her dreams held the solution to her unhappiness and her future. The only question was unlocking how. Well now she had brought Ryan Harris to the writer she was about to find out. She sat on her hands on the couch to stop them from shaking and stared at Ryan as he rolled up a joint and lit it before passing it to Jake.

‘So come on then Percy, which one of us is dreaming and which of us is imaginary’ Harris asked.

‘Yes please Percy, we’re all dying to know’ squealed Susan, not getting Harris’ sarcasm.

The Writer sat in a long armchair and put his feet up. He had put a fedora on his head, which Jake couldn’t help but think he had done for effect.

‘I’ll keep it brief as I hate exposition and you all have a long journey ahead of you’. Percy paused for effect and looked around the room. Susan was watching him with intent whilst Jake and Harris were trying to make a bong out of his kaleidoscope. He continued anyway.

‘I’m sure you all know what lucid dreaming is.’ ‘His only reply was a huge coughing fit. Jake had managed to get the bong working.

‘Lucid dreaming is when the person having the dream can control it. At a basic level it is being aware that you are asleep. At a more advanced level it is being able to access parts of your own subconscious that you previously thought was impossible.’

‘But surely if one of us was lucid dreaming then they would be aware of it?’ Susan asked.

‘Yeah you dick’ said Harris and he and Jake burst into fits of laughter. The Writer continued.

‘Yes this is also a worry. Either one of you is lying or something has happened to make you unaware of the dream’

‘Or it’s a load of rubbish’ snorted Harris.

‘I’m not trying to be rude Percy’ began Jake. ‘But what reason would any of us have for wanting to have theses dreams anyway? Especially one so messed up where the drink is expensive and I haven’t got laid yet?’

‘Many reasons Mr Stunner. For you of course it is trying to get back your Manic Pixie. Or is it trying to find out how your parents died?’

Jake sat up and stared at The Writer with intent. When he spoke again it was very soft and slowly.

‘How do you know about my parents?’

‘Who knows Jake? I’m just part of a dream. I also know that Mr Harris is trying to find some direction in his life and Miss Susan here is simply trying to work out how she can live a normal happy one’.

Harris got to his feet, his fist clenched by his side.

‘Come on Jake we’re leaving. I’m not listening to anymore bullshit.’

‘Is it true Ryan Harris?’ asked Susan. ‘Are you looking for direction in your life?’

‘Honey, I’m 23. We’re all looking for some direction in our lives’.

He grabbed Jake to go but Jake was still looking at The Writer.

‘So what do we do next?’

Percy smiled and disappeared into the backroom. Within a moment he was back with a small cloth bag. He offered it to Jake and threw Harris a set of keys.

‘These are the keys to my car parked outside. It is yours now until you wake up or cease to be. In the cloth bag is something which will help you in the car’

Jake put his hand in the bag and pulled out a small metallic screen. Harris put his head in his hands and moaned.

‘This is a Sat-Nav’

‘Not just any Sat-Nav my friend.’ began The Writer. ‘This Sat-Nav will…

‘It’s a fucking Sat-Nav!’ Harris exploded. ‘You program in where you want to go and it tells you how to get there. You are not a wizard! You are a stoner living in a small flat in a nice part of Surrey who has clearly played to many online role-playing games. But you know what? I’m taking your car anyway because I need to get back to work and then I have 8 dates to prepare for!’ And with that he stormed out.

There was a moments silence then Percy went over to Susan who had begun sobbing and put his arms round her.

‘Go Susan, only you can make him stay’. He kissed her on the cheek and she wiped her tears away before giving him a small smile and darting off after Harris. Jake looked at the Sat Nav. It did seem pretty ordinary. He turned to head after Harris.

‘Don’t you want to know what it does?’ Percy called out.

‘It’s a Sat-Nav Percy I’m sure I can figure it out’ said Jake. ‘And I need to make sure Harris and Susan are ok.

‘Look out the window; they’re waiting in the car for you’. Jake slowly went over to the window and had a peek out. Surely enough Harris was sitting in the passenger seat with Susan spread out in the back. She appeared to be singing to herself and Harris was almost smiling.

‘Ok then Mr Writer. What does it do?’

‘This Sat-Nav will take the person who uses it to the place, object or person who they most want to go to. To find out which one of you is dreaming you must find whatever it is they are hoping to accomplish within the dream. This Sat-Nav is the best way of doing that.’

‘You mean…?’

‘I mean Mr Stunner if someone wanted to find out what happened to their parents or where a certain Pixie was located all they would have to do is use this Sat-Nav and it would take them there.

Jake Stunner was already out of the door. The Writer sat down in his long armchair again and drummed his fingers together when suddenly Jake ran back in.

‘Just checking if I was still here or melted away with the dream?’ smiled Percy

‘No. I was just wondering if you had any beer we could take for the journey.’

Chapter Nine

There are many theory’s about the world we live in which are entirely nonsense. The idea of time travel for example is completely impossible. Otherwise surely we would all be seeing future versions of ourselves strolling around the house or coming up to our beds in the middle of the night to inform us that our girlfriend is currently sleeping with John from accounts rather than on the girl’s night watching Mama Mia at the theatre like she said she was. Other impossible theory’s including:

• Carrots helping you to see in the dark
• Blondes having more fun
• Elvis still being alive.
• Simon Cowell knowing about 9/11
• Jesus

There are however a few theory’s that seem nonsense but are in fact true. Please allow me to tell you about one.

The ‘belief’ theory is one that has a simple enough premise. If enough people believe in a creature or idea then it becomes true or is brought into existence. The science behind the theory runs thus. As humans we only use 10% of our brain (as proven by people with beards and glasses). The other 90% is still working as our subconscious and is capable of many amazing things. This 90% has such a vivid imagination that it is capable of making ideas and dreams solid. Creatures from other, more advanced planets can obviously use this in a very productive way On average most dominant planetary life-forms use 53% of their brains with some using up to 88%. This gives them the advantage of believing incredibly useful ideas and creatures into existence. Some examples of this include the Drankoonian jumping cow whose milk can protect children from disease and The windpipe monster from the planet ‘Reginald Windpipe’ whose singing can ensure you feel refreshed after only half an hours sleep.

The problem the people on earth have is that the 10% of their brain that is actually used is generally used for quite negative thoughts after the age of around 10 years old. This is why nice, helpful characters such as Santa Claus, Cupid and the Easter bunny don’t exist. The majority of the planets population refuse to believe them into existence as they are simply too nice to comprehend. Terrible evil things such as nuclear and chemical warfare, plagues, famines and fast food are all too real however as the human brain is so quick to believe in them. Similarly; terrible creatures such as Werewolves, Vampires, ghosts and demons are all too real. Luckily humans believe that these creatures live in hiding, meaning they actually do and cannot run amok killing everything they see as seen in terrible movies.

It’s a shame really as some of these guys (particularly vampires) are actually quite sweet and would never normally mean anyone any harm. They wouldn’t even harm a fly if humans didn’t believe that they needed to feed off the blood of mortals in order to survive. They can’t even go out in the sun. Imagine how terrible their summers are? Especially when all the adverts on TV are for package holidays and they can’t even leave the house before dusk.

I know what you’re all thinking now. ‘Oh for f#*ks sake! We’ve already had God, Aliens, Dreams and the plot still makes little sense. Now he’s going to introduce a vampire character into the book as well’. Well, you’re all right. We are soon to meet another character and he is a vampire. Quite a nice one actually. Called Martin. And before you get upset that the books isn’t going anywhere I assure you there is a plot of sorts so please don’t stop reading. This isn’t ‘Lost’. I know where I’m going and what I’m doing. Count yourself luckily that I wrote this chapter to reassure you. Dan Brown wouldn’t be so considerate. Anyway enough of me. On with the story.

(I promise I’ll try and be funnier in this next bit and try and make sense more. And I apologise for all the swearing).

Chapter Ten

For a while nothing happened. After that nothing happened for a while more. Then, there was some more nothing followed by zilch. Nada. The Sat Nav was on, the button had been pressed and the only part flashing was the small red blip signalling where they were. As climaxes go, this was up there with paint finishing its drying sequence and a kettle boiling. Jake had to admit it, he was unimpressed. Harris was too only slightly more vocal.

‘If you’ll excuse me everyone I’m going to go upstairs and insert this Sat-Nav into our writer friends Japs-Eye.’

‘Hang on a minute Harris’ Jake exclaimed, desperately trying to make some good of the situation. Let one of us try it before we go up there and add GBH to the numerous laws we have already broken today.

‘What difference does it make who uses it? We both saw Susan press the button and nothing happened. This Sat-Nav is supposed to take you to where you want to be most in the whole world? Well, unless Susan has a penchant for pavements outside poky flats in Surrey then I think it’s safe to say Percy fed us a crock of shit’

‘Just let me try it first is all I’m asking’ Jake outstretched his hand to try the Sat-Nav again. Harris grabbed his arm.

‘Hang on. Why should you try it before me?’

‘What does it matter if it’s all a crock of shit? Anyway you were fine to let Susan try it a minute ago. What’s going on between the two of you?’

‘Look. We’ll both press it at the same time. Ok?’

‘Fine. But for the record, your only hear because of me. I’m Han Solo. You’re Chewbacca. Just remember that’.

They pressed the button on the Sat Nav simultaneously.

Suddenly it whirred into life. All the little buttons started whirring and bleeping and even Harris looked suitably impressed. After 15 seconds it stopped just as suddenly as it had started and a female voice with the manner of a slightly vexed primary school teacher spoke shrilly to them. ‘At the next junction turn left’.

Susan and Jake both cheered.

‘Don’t get too excited’ Harris said. ‘We don’t know where it’s taking us yet’ but Jake could see that he too was pumped. Harris turned the keys into ignition and the car burst into life. Susan and Jake both cheered again as they sped off; only for Harris to stall 20 yards up the road.

‘Are you sure your safe to drive this automobile Ryan Harris?’ asked Susan timidly.

‘Course I am. I nearly passed my test 3 months ago’

Chapter Eleven

The alley was pitch black apart from the neon glare from the fire exit door that backed onto it and a small flickering street lamp by the entrance. The only noise was the mice scurrying by the dustbins and the wind blowing the occasional crisp packet or newspaper page towards the main road. The smell of rotten food from the kitchens and vomit from the early morning clubbers was almost visible in the air; a sort of musty yellow. Although it was a squalid hellhole it almost seemed tranquil in its quietness; like a sewer pit untouched by any form of life.

Suddenly the fire door swung open and the sounds of the nightclub within instantly filled the alley and sent the mice fleeing into a skip opposite. A girl in a cream mini skirt and red crop top came giggling out of the door hand in hand with a man in a pin strip suit and trilby hat. He spun her round to face him and pushed her up against the skip. They started to kiss. Drunken and clumsily. Only spending the minimal time on her ashtray mouth he was soon sucking on her chin and neck as she tilted her head back and moaned, more out of instinct than actual excitement. She had done this enough times to know that when a man kisses your neck you moan regardless of how little it turns you on. He began to fiddle around at the back of her top as he tried to undo her bra. She started to reach into his trousers, part of her hoping he was too drunk to get an erection. However it was not to be and there he was, stood to attention a little bit too much she thought seeing as he hadn’t even touched her tits yet. He had abandoned the bra and now had his hands up the back of her skirt as he grabbed at her bum and began to slide her black thong down to her knees. She wasn’t feeling anything down there so she desperately began to tug at his hard cock in the hope he would cum before it got to penetration time. He had his head between her cleavage now and had managed to remove her underwear over her stiletto spray tanned leg. He stopped kissing her and asked if she had a condom. She was on the pill and had plenty in her handbag but denied this so he had to go inside and buy one. As he disappeared inside the club she lit a cigarette and thought about whether she would do a runner or stay for the inevitable poor sex before making him pay her double for the taxi home.

‘He’s married you know’ A voice came out of the dark and the girl jumped spilling ash down her now slightly ripped top.

‘Who’s there?’ she asked timidly as she desperately tried to get her thong back on so she wasn’t completely on show.

‘I’m the guy telling you he’s married. You should leave now’

‘: Look I don’t have any money and I have a rape alarm in my purse...

‘I don’t want to rape you or take your bloody money you stupid tart’ Martin said. ‘I’m trying to tell you that the guy your about to have intercourse with for cash has a wife. And two kids for that matter. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?’

‘Not really. Actually explains a lot. Now wonder he was so keen to do it in an alley. In fact he probably hasn’t had it since his kids were born so it will be nice and quick. The girl was getting impatient with this jerk. ‘She leant forwards, pulled her top down and jiggled her breasts towards the shadows where the voice was coming from.

‘Now honey, unless you want a piece of this as well, I suggest you fuck off and leave a girl to make a living.’

‘So be it’ said Martin. He came forward from the shadows and walked straight up to her. He was wearing a long black coat with a white t-shirt underneath. He also wore a brown fedora with brown belt and shoes to match. The girl leant forward and licked his lips all the way up to his nose. He smelt the blood from where the man had bit her bottom lip during his 30 second attempt at foreplay.

‘Well come on then stud, if you’ve got the balls.’

Martin sighed, then snapped her neck and drained her of blood in 15 seconds. He threw the body into the skip and took out his mobile phone. He dialled a number from a piece of paper he had in his pocket. After a few seconds a woman’s voice answered.

‘Yes Mrs Sanderson. I can confirm he is definitely cheating on you. As far as I know it’s just with prostitutes but I don’t know how many or for how long. I will send you the photos tomorrow once my fee is collected. Yes that’s correct 3 pints, chilled. You have the delivery details. Thank you for your co-operation Mrs Sanderson. He hung-up the phone. At that moment Mr Sanderson came stumbling out of the fire exit with a condom and two bottled beers in his hand. He looked at Martin with a puzzled expression. Martin showed him his fangs dripping with blood and he ran away dropping the beers on the floor in the process. Martin laughed. He had eaten and felt good. Good enough for the hard part of the night to seem less daunting. Gaining entrance to the nightclub. Originally he had planned to sneak in through this very fire exit after collecting the evidence he needed from Mr Sanderson. But he hadn’t intended on feeding off the evidence and now it was not the best place for him to be breaking and entering. He began briskly walking out of the alley deciding his next move.

Martin was a private detective. Well at least he currently was. He was actually 368 years old and had only been a private detective for 36 of those so it was hardly a career yet. He had thought of the idea whilst watching movies one night. At the time he had not eaten in a while and was tempted to go on a small killing spree. The problem was that he could only go hunting at night and at night the sort of people who were out and about were not the most nourishing of meals. Druggies, hookers, tramps and binge drinkers did not exactly have the best blood on the market and it sometimes left him feeling quite ill. Then whilst watching Casablanca and other detective stories he had had his extraordinary brainwave. He could become a private investigator. That way he could be told where peoples cheating husbands and stealing family members were and he could feast on them whilst getting paid for it. He had also discovered that he could charge people in pints of their own blood and they didn’t seem to have a problem with it. There was a recession on and most people would rather part with their life juice than their hard earned money. All this led to Martin being one of the most successful vampires working in London at the moment and made sure he was never bored (which 368 years living on Earth has a tendancy to do to you.)

The only problem he had come across is that solving peoples cases involved going to a lot of places where as a belief created being he was usually less than welcome. Bars, clubs, motels and cinemas all had staff and bouncers who did not look fondly on people with fangs trying to gain entrance to their establishments. Especially people with fangs who dressed like they were from another age (which of course Martin was). He had therefore come up with several ways to gain access to these various places one of which he was about to try out on The Viper Room in Islington.

The plan was simple. He would fly up to above the nightclub where nobody could see him and then swoop down really fast for a bit shouting gibberish. This generally made drunk people believe they were under threat from terrorists or aliens or whatever they chose to believe in (surprisingly they never thought it was vampires). During this commotion Martin would land behind the bouncers who were normally running around looking into the sky or trying to control the panicking horde and then say to the girl or guy at the ticket counter that he was with whatever dj he had read off the posters outside the club. The main problem with this plan is that after a few times Martin wasn’t sure which clubs he had done it in and which he hadn’t. The last thing he wanted to do was to get in the papers being called an alien or being in the position where he had to kill more people than absolutely necessary. He was fairly sure that he had done the screaming swooping trick at The Viper Room before but this case was too big and tonight was too good an opportunity to miss. So he made his way cautiously up to the posters by the door to see who the resident tune spinner was tonight.

Suddenly he found himself being grabbed on the shoulder. His fangs tingled as he sensed danger and spun round expecting to have to commit a massacre he was not really in the mood for when he found himself staring into the eyes of a pretty red head with black rimmed glasses and dimples round her mouth.

‘You in the band?’ She asked.

‘Naturally’ Martin instinctively muffled trying not to reveal his razor teeth.

‘Well your late’ She said as she began ushering him into the nightclub. The bouncers did not even look up. ‘They’re back stage but I’m afraid you’ve missed sound check’

‘No problem’ Martin said through his jacket sleeve. He tried to act as cool and natural as possible as he entered The Viper Room having a sneaky look at the poster on the wall opposite to check out the name of the band he was supposedly in.

LIVE TONIGHT

THE SUNDAY VAMPIRES!!

Martin smiled to himself. Sometimes fate deals you a hand you can’t lose on.