Chapter Four

God had been thinking to himself. Maybe he had been a bit too hard on Earth. After all he hadn’t shown them the same amount of time and effort as he had some of the other planets and Solar Systems. He’d just sort of let them get on with it. He also hadn’t had the value of hindsight and learning from his mistakes with those guys. If he’d of known then what he did now then he never would have invented wasps. Needless to say He was feeling one very guilty sentient being right now and was trying to figure out a way to give The Earth and more specifically the human race (he’d already made plans to ship the bee’s, guinea-pigs and other more successful species to a more desirable galaxy) a second chance.

He thought of many different things he could do. First he thought about a mass talent contest where people would sing him a song or do a dance and the ones he thought were good enough would be allowed to survive. This idea lasted about 2 minutes before being cast into the metaphorical trash compartment of his infinite brain. The second idea was causing a massive flood where everyone on earth perished except two of the best specimens of each species (excluding wasps). These remaining survivors would sail in a boat until the floods resided and they could start building the planet again under the watchful eye of God himself. He dismissed this idea for two reasons. One, he couldn’t be bothered to have to babysit a planets entire evolution from scratch, especially when a new season of his favourite TV program had started on the planet Dudanium X. And two it sounded ridiculous. He was God; he could kill everyone on the planet if he wanted to without a seconds thought. What would be the point of flooding the place as well? The remaining rainforests hadn’t done anyone any harm. He was always having these far fetched schemes. Maybe he was just bored with the usual create planet, destroy planet, speak to people in their heads to freak them out routine that had been his existence for the past infinity.

After much thought he decided that the best thing to do would be to give humans one last chance to convince him that they were still worthy of running the planet for him. He would send down a brilliant mind from one of his more successful planets to make contact with a member of the human race and ask him to justify mankind’s existence. If he succeeded humanity would be spared and free to carry on. If he failed, well he was sure they were all familiar with the fate of the Muldographs from Kentasad1! God chuckled to himself. The only question was who to send and who should they make contact with? The first part was easy; in fact he already had someone from Birolus 5 in mind. And the second? He didn’t want it to be a great leader as they were all mad on power and hated by the vast population of the planet. It had to be an everyday person but with the potential to make people listen. God consulted his charts.

Mulhammed Plus swayed unsteadily along the pavement as he tried to get to grips with the body he currently inhabited. He had wanted to go in his own body but God had insisted he go in form of the friendliest type of person possible so the humans would not greet him with disgust. They had discussed at much length on the form he should take and decided that the innocence of youth was something that shined through in any culture. Nevertheless he now had an enormous headache from cramming his knowledge into this tiny head and the smell of Earth life was making him feel quite ill. He checked the photo of the man he was meant to be looking for and then looked up in surprise to find him hightailing it round a corner with some trousers over his shoulder and into a building on the other side of the street. God was very precise with his directions Mulhammed Plus thought and began to attempt to run as fast as he could which for someone from Birolus 5 was incredibly slow but for anyone from earth he was probably breaking the world record for speed. Just as he was about to cross the road something hit him in the face and bounced onto the floor.

He saw blood drip from the humanoids face and considered pretending he was hurt too (luckily God had assured him his Birolus body could hold up against any pain humans could dish out.) He decided to try and talk to the man in his newly learnt language of English. The young gentleman seemed to be very upset with him and got to his feet. He tried to explain how he wasn’t used to running in his new body with only two legs and no turbo boosters when the man planted one of his knees into the dangly bits between Mulhammed Plus’ own legs and he suddenly experienced a pain he had never felt in his entire life. He fell to the floor and screamed in his native tongue which happened to cause all the birds in the local vicinity to explode. He cursed at the young man entering the building in every language and way he knew how but the bastard just glanced back and smiled. Before teleporting his thankfully temporary body back to his craft he thought how happy he was that the whole planet was now consigned to destruction and how he intended to have a serious talk with God about the concept of ‘no pain possible’.